Newest jokes

Two fonts walk into a line
dance club. The
barman says to them, ''Get out. We don't serve your
type here.''

What happened to the man who owned a riding
academy?
Business kept falling off!

How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?

Collect!

What do you get if you cross a phone with a
birthday
celebration?
A party line!

What do you get if you cross a phone with a
birthday
celebration?
A party line!

What do you get if you cross a phone with a
mouthwash?
Tele-Scope.

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of

a patient.
''Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell
who is speaking or
where the voices are coming from?'' asked the
psychiatrist.
''As a matter of fact, I do,'' said the patient.
''And
when does this happen?'' asked the psychiatrist.
''Oh,'' said the
patient, ''when I answer the telephone.''

Mrs Jones: Now, remember, children,
travel is very
good for you. It broadens the mind.
Betty,
muttering: If you're anything to go by, that's not all it
broadens!

There was a man staying the night
in a hotel. He called the
front desk and said,
''Excuse me, sir,
I've got a leak in my sink.''
The man at the front desk replied,
''Oh, okay, go ahead, but most
guests just use the toilet.''

A man arrived at a seaside hotel
where he
had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights
were out, so
he knocked on the door. After a long time a light
appeared in an
upstairs window and a woman called out, ''Who are you?
What do you want?''
''I'm staying here!'' ''Stay there, then,'' she
retorted, and slammed
the window shut!

There was a little old lady from a

small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the

size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and
said to
the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that
she had never
before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite.
''Everything's
big in Texas ma'am,'' said the waitress. The coffee
came in the
biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. ''I told you,
ma'am, that everything
is big in Texas,'' said the waitress. On her
way back to her suite, the
old lady got lost in the vast corridors.
She opened the door of a
darkened room and fell into an enormous
swimming pool. ''Please!'' she
screamed. ''Don't flush it!''

Teacher: I'd like a room, please.
Hotel
Receptionist: Single, Sir?
Teacher: Yes, but I am
engaged.

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gatesof Heaven, and the angel standing there said, ''We've been waiting along time for you.''''What do you mean,'' he replied, ''I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.Why did I have to die now?''''45? You're not 45, you're 82,'' replied the angel.''Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.''''Hold on. Let me go check,'' said the angel and disspeared inside. Aftera few minutes the angel returned. ''Sorry, but by our records you are 82.I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82...''

A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven,but not at all happy with his accommodations.He complained to St. Peter, who told him that hisonly recourse was to appeal his assignment. Thelawyer immediately advised that he intended toappeal, but was then told that he would be waitingat least three years before his appeal could beheard. The lawyer protested that a three-year waitwas unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.The lawyer was then approached by the devil, whotold him that he would be able to arrange an appealto be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willingto change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: ''Why canappeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?''The devil answered: ''We have all of the judges.''

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got toheaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them toget married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it andagreed, but said they would have to wait.It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent forthem. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things wenton, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,that eternity was best not spent together. They went back toSt. Peter, and said: ''We thought we would be happy forever, butnow we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is thereany way we can get divorced?'' ''Are you kidding?'' said St. Peter.''It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marryyou. I will never get a lawyer!''

Two men are meeting on the street.''It was very cold this morning.''''How cold was it?''I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyerwith his hands in his own pockets.''

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxiousto impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to hisoffice come through the door, he immediately picked up his phoneand spoke into it,'' I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendousthat I am not going to be able to look into your problem for atleast a month. I shall have to get back to you then.'' He then turnedto the man who had just walked in, and said, ''Now, what can I do foryou?'' ''Nothing,'' replied the man. ''I am here to hook up your phone.''

A patient came to
his dentist with problems
with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I
do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

A dentist, after completing work on a patient,

came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you
give out a few of your loudest,
most painful
screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There
are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I
don't want
to miss the four o'clock ball game.

|There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, ''Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!''The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, ''She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!''