Newest jokes

What's the definition of a nervous

breakdown ?
A chameleon on a tartan rug !

What kind of tiles can't you stick on

walls ?
Reptiles !

What do headmasters and bullfrogs have
in common ?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth !

My parrot lays square eggs but
can only say
one word.
What's that?
Ouch!

What is the difference between a fly and a bird
?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird !

What is the
strongest bird ?
A crane !

What birds are found in Portugal ?
Portu-geese
!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg ?
Because
if he lifted up both legs it would fall over !

|Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, ''Where are we now?'' The guide said, ''We're in the great state of Texas.'' ''It's a big place,'' said Murphy. The guide said, ''It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it.'' And Murphy said, ''Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!''

|There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.

|''Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?'' the solicitor questioned his client. ''Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?'' ''Oh, no,'' replied Mrs. O'Connor. ''Shure now, we have a carport.'' The solicitor tried again. ''Well, does the man beat you up?'' ''No, no,'' said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. ''Oi'm always first out of bed.'' Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. ''What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.'' ''Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.'' ''Mrs. O'Connor,'' the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, ''you need a reason that the court can consider. ''What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?'' ''Ah, well now,'' said the lady, ''Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.''

Teacher : Why are you the only child in the

classroom today ?
Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't
have school dinners
yesterday !

Father: Well Son, how are your exam results
?
Son: They're under water
Father: What do you mean ?
Son: Below
''C'' level !

Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30

minutes for each question.
Pupil : How long for the answer sir
!

What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?

A mousetache.

Louise was watching her big sister covering her
face
with cream.
''What's that for?'' she asked.
''To make me
beautiful,'' came the reply.
Louise then watched in silence as she
wiped her face clean.
''Doesn't work, does it?'' was her comment.

What dance did the
Pilgrims do?
The
Plymouth Rock.

What dance do hippies hate?
A square
dance.

What dance do you do when summer is
over?
Tango (tan go).

What is the difference between a dancer and a
duck?
One goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on
her
beautiful legs.