Newest jokes

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.Little Johnny: Here it is!Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?Class: Little Johnny!

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?Little Johnny: I get up early.

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. ''Mommy,'' she said. ''Can we leave now?'' ''No,'' her mother replied. ''Well, I think I have to throw up!'' ''Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.'' In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. ''Did you throw up?'' her mother asked. ''Yes,'' the little girl replied. ''Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?'' ''I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy.'' the little girl replied. ''They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'.''

A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, ''hey dad, look how fat that lady is!''''Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you.''''But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!''''Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!''''But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!''''Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!''Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off.''Look out dad, she's backing up!''

There is a new Barbie
doll on the
market - Avalanche Barbie ...buried in 16 feet of
snow

There is a new
Barbie doll on the
market - Mutant Barbie ...Professor Xavier's
daughter: bald as a
billiard ball, wearing a Dark Phoenix costume

Men are like coffee.
The best ones are rich,
hot and can keep you up all night.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred
Flintstone ?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Two paratrooper
recruits in a
plane:

- Are you crazy, Vasily? You are going to jump without a
parachute.

- Is it mandatory to wear it?

- Sure. It's raining
outside.

Airmen had to launch two E-3 AWACS from a
National Guard
base after a heavey snow strom. Well after a 5 hour
delay waiting for
the snow to be plowed of, they were able to
take-off. The planes taxied
off and stoped a hundred yards to the flight
line. The civilians had
forgot to finish the rest of the taxi way.

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in

common ?
A. Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?

A: Turkey.

A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.His knock is answered by Gladys. ''What do you want, sonny?'' she asks him.''Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night,'' heanswers.The other two old spinsters gather around the door. ''Who's out there? Does he look decent?'' they ask.Gladys says, ''It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on.''The other two spinsters giggle and say, ''The hell with what color it is...let him in!''

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.The clerk asked, ''What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?''The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,''Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?''

What do young female monsters do at parties
?
They go around looking for edible bachelors !

How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a

living?
By appearing in television spooktaculars.

Handy guide to modern science:If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.If it stinks, it's chemistry.If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ''It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ''No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.''The last said, ''Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

What does the hungry monster get after he's

eaten too much ice cream?
More ice cream!

What's the difference between a dim monster
and a
birthday candle?
The candle is a thousand times
brighter!