Newest jokes

Policeman: Why were you
speeding?
Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.

Policeman: Why were
you speeding
when I stopped you?
Motorist: So I could race home to get my license
and
registration.

Policeman: Why were you
driving
around in circles and laughing?
Motorist: I thought I was on a
merry-go-round.

A man is walking down the street one day when

he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house

across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too
high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for
some time,
the man moves closer to the boy's position.

He
steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow

and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and

gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the
childs level, the man smiles benevolently and
asks, ''And now what, my
little man?''

The boy replies, ''Now we run!''

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten

teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son
handed
her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, ''I
bet I
know what it is - flowers!''

''That's right!'' said the
boy, ''but how did you know?''

''Just a wild guess,'' she
said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher
held
her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, ''I bet I can guess what
it is
- a box of candy!''

''That's right! But how did you
know?'' asked the girl.

''Just a lucky guess,'' said the
teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher
held
the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She
touched a
drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. ''Is it
wine?'' she
asked.

''No,'' the boy replied.

The teacher
repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage
to her
tongue. ''Is it champagne?'' she asked.

''No,'' the boy
replied.

The teacher then said, ''I give up, what is it?''

The boy
replied, ''A puppy!''

What did the maggot say to another ?
What's
a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this !

Teacher : What are you doing,
crawling into
school ten minutes late ?
Pupil : Well you told me never to walk
into school ten minutes late
!

Teacher : Were you copying his sums ?
Pupil
: No Sir, just seeing if he got mine right !

Teacher : What are
you reading ?
Pupil :
I dunno !
Teacher : But you're reading aloud !
Pupil : But I'm
not listening !

Teacher : What's happens to gold
when it
is exposed to the air ?
Pupil : It's stolen !

A little girl climbed
into her
grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She
ran her
fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and
neck.


''Did god make you?'', she asked.

''yes'' he answered.


''did god makeme, to?'' she wondered.

''yes'', he replied.


''well, she shrugged, ''don't you think he's doing a better job now

than he used to?''

A man was getting a haircut prior to a
trip to Rome. He
mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
''Rome? Why would anyone want
to go there?

It's crowded & dirty
and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
Rome.

So, how
are you getting there?''

''We're taking TWA,'' was the reply. ''We
got a great rate!''

''TWA?'' exclaimed the barber. ''That's a
terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly,
and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in
Rome?''

''We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.''

''That
dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small,
the
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when

you get there?''

''We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope
to see the Pope.''

''That's rich,'' laughed the barber. ''You and a
million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size
of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it.''

A month later, the man again came in for his
regular haircut. The
barber asked him about his trip to
Rome.

''It was wonderful,'' explained the man, ''not only were we on time in

one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped

us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a

beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and
foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million

remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential
suite at no
extra charge!''

''Well,'' muttered the barber, ''I
know you didn't get to see the
pope.''

''Actually, we were quite
lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the
shoulder and explained that the pope likes to
personally me
et some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into
his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure

enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook

my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.''

''Really?''
asked the Barber. ''What'd he say?''

He said, ''Where'd you get
the lousy haircut?

What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid
of?
A Doberman puncher!

What is the best kind of dog to ask for

directions?
A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, ''Dang, why are you drinking so fast?'' The guy says, ''You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.'' The bartender says, ''What do you have?'' The guy says, ''75 cents.''

Q: How many Director's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.

A movie producer is lying by the pool at

the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of
excitement.
''How'd the meeting go?'' asks the first guy.

''It went
great,'' says his buddy. ''Tarentino will write and direct
for six
million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the
whole
picture for under fifty million.''

''Fabulous,'' says the guy by
the pool.

''There's just one catch,'' his partner
warns.

''What's the catch?''

''We have to put up ten thousand in cash''.

How many film directors
does it take
to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two
times and when he's done,
everyone says that his last light bulb was
much better.

Q: How many
actors does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say ''I
could've done
that.''

It's the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class,''If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers.''After a moment of quiet thought, Little Johnny asked: ''How will that help?''