Newest jokes

What do freezing rain and cake icing have in

common?


Both are a glaze

What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to know who the other man was...

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend,''Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?''

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

Q: What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her name tag? A: What did you name the other one!!

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked:''I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.''

An elderly widow and
widower were dating
for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her
to marry.
She immediately said ''yes''.

The next morning when he awoke, he
couldn't remember what her answer
was! ''Was she happy? I think so,
wait, no, she looked at me funny...''

After about an hour of
trying to remember to no avail, he got on the
telephone and gave her a
call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer
to the marriage proposal.

''Oh'', she said, ''I'm so glad you
called. I remembered saying
'yes' to someone, but I couldn't
remember who it was.''

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling

his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every
house
in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he
gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken
was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple
outside gardening.
''Who's the boss around here?'' he asked.


''I am.'' said the man.

''I have a black horse and a brown
horse,'' the farmer said, ''which
one would you like?''

The man
thought for a minute and said, ''The black one.''

''No, no, no, get
the brown one.'' the man's wife said.

''Here's your chicken.''
said the farmer.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a
chair on his porch.

''I couldn't help noticing how
happy you look,'' she said. ''What's
your secret for a long happy
life?''

''I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,'' he said. ''I also
drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise.''

''That's amazing,'' the woman said. ''How old are you?'


''Twenty-six,'' he said.

There was an old man
whose family could no
longer afford to take care of him. So the family
decided that a
nusring for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man
rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced
that it was the
right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he
spent most of his
time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A
while
later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day
was
going.

''How you doing today?'', she said to the old man, ''First
day I see''.
The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the
two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began
to drag on,
the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers,
cards
and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full
of
peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help

herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with eac
h other, the orderly kept
eating more helpings of the peanuts. She
look at her watch and noticed that
nearly 2 hours had passed and
said, ''My goodness, the time has gone by
quickly. I have to tend to
other people here too.'' ''That's okay.'',
said the old man, ''I feel
so much better being able to talk to
someone.'' Looking into the bowl
the orderly said, ''I feel awful! I ate
almost all of your peanuts!''
The old man responded, ''That's okay. Ever
since I got these false
teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off
of them
anyhow.''

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, ''Got any grapes?'' The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, ''Got any grapes?'' Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: 'Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, 'Got any nails?' Confused, the bartenders says no. 'Good!' says the duck. 'Got any grapes?'

Q: What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?A: None. It just lets out a little wine.

A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert. She sees a Captain in the French Foreign Legion pulling and tugging on a camel, but the camel won't budge.The woman stops and says, ''Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?''The legionarie tells her the camel won't budge but she's welcome to try. The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW... smashes the camel's testicles with the bricks. The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.The captain drops his pants and says, ''Great! Do me next, I've got to catch that son of a bitch!''

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ''You can't bring that dog in here!'' The guy, without missing a beat, says ''This is my seeing-eye dog.'' ''Oh man, '' the bartender says, ''I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me.'' The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says ''You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog.'' The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says ''Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!''The second man replies ''This is my seeing-eye dog.'' The bartender says, ''No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.'' The man pauses for a half-second and replies ''What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?''

What cloud is so lazy because it will not get
up?


-Fog

How can you tell if a tornado is
stupid?


-If it spins anti-cyclonically

What type of wind is named after both
a
cat and a bat?


Katabatic

What type of wind is named after Santa

Claus's warm climate cousin?


Santa Ana

Question: What
do elephants use for
tampoons?
Answer: Sheep.

A man
got on a plane and sat next to a
blonde, after sitting for awhile she
sneezed, took out a tissue and
whipped her box. The man not knowing her
said nothing and went about
his business. After about 3 or 4 minutes she
sneezed again and, the
same thing, whipped her box. Finally, the man
got the nerve and
asked ''what was wrong?'' She said that every time she
sneezes she has an
orgasm. ''Oh!'' the man said, are you taking
anything for
it?

''Yes'', she said - ''black pepper!''