Newest jokes

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?Nobody will look for them.

What's the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline?You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.

What is the proper weight for an attorney?About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother ''Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better.''''Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday.''His mother says.

A kid goes up to his father and says, ''Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?''His father says, ''No...how old?''He says, ''I'm eleven!''He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, ''Hey, Grandma, knowhow old I am today?''She says, ''Come closer...''She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into hisunderwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says,''You're eleven.''He says, ''How could you tell?''She says, ''I heard you tell your father.''

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ''I''.Little Johnny: I is...Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say ''I am.''Little Johnny: All right. ''I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.''

|An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, ''For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!'' At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.His son's reply was: ''Just plant your potatoes.''

|A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : ''You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.''''I'm sorry sir, I...''''Not you,'' says the Irishman, ''I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.''

|''Hey,'' said a new arrival in the pub, ''I've got some great Irish jokes.''''Before you start,'' said the big bloke in the corner, '', I'm Irish.''''Don't worry,'' said the newcomer, ''I'll tell them slowly.''

|Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. ''Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.''Five minutes later he said, ''Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.''A moment later, ''Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected.''One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. ''Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?''

|The Doctor was puzzled ''I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. ''''Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober.''

Who is the greatest painter of this century?

Pigcasso!

Who sends flowers on Valentines Day?

Cupigs!

Where do retired pigs go for warm weather?
The
tropigs!

What's that pig doing in the middle of the road

with a red light on its head?
Didn't you tell me to put out a
stop swine?

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to aneighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensedat the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, ''Hey,if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liablefor the cost of the meat?'' The lawyer replied, ''Of course, how muchwas the roast?'' ''$7.98.'' A few days later the butcher received acheck in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:''Legal Consultation Service: $150.''

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?How many can you afford?

What is the worst thing about our justice system? You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people whoweren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touchany of it until she turned 14.

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found himsitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible ''What areyou doing?'' asked the friend. ''Looking for loopholes,'' repied the lawyer.