Newest jokes

|The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.''I've been waiting for you all day,'' the cop said.The guy replied, ''Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

|The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers1. Glazed2. Jelly3. Powdered4. Chocolate Frosted

|A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.The officer asked, ''Can you describe the person who did this to you?''The Irishman replied, ''That's what I was doing when he hit me.''

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!''

You should ''never'' drink during tax season.''You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!''

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.“Hey, what's that?” “A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.” “Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. “Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!” “Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing ''Tuff Enuff'' by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. ''That IS amazing!'' says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. ''If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?'' The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings ''You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet'' by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. ''Are you nuts?'' asks the bartender. ''You could've made a fortune off that frog.'' ''Can you keep a secret?'' asks the man. ''The hamster's a ventriloquist.''

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.” 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?” The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

|A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

|The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out ''Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.'' Snow White says ''Well at least Dopey's alive!''

|A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.''I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,'' she said.''What do you mean?'' he asked.''Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'''

|UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called?(a) Westerners(b) Southerners(c) Northerners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for?14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?*You must answer three or more questionscorrectly to qualify*

|St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.''Very well,'' said the gatekeeper of Heaven. ''But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.''''I know, and that's all right,'' Satan answered unperturbed. ''We've got all the umpires.''

When
you are young, you want to be the
master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. When you are older,
you will settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain
of your bowling team.

Three old men are
sitting on the porch of
a retirement home. The first says, ''Fellas, I
got real problems.
I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and
I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They
give me all
kinds of medicine but nothing helps.''

The second old man says,
''You think you have problems. I'm eighty
years old. Every morning
at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try
all day long. They
give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.''

Finally the
third old man speaks up, ''Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
Every morning
at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.''

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses aninflatable sex doll?Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As thebartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the otherone on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does thesame thing. The third time the bartender asks him what'sgoing on. ''Why are you pouring that drink on your hand''? Theman smiles at him, winks and says ''I'm trying to get my datedrunk.''

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach him how to fish and he will sitin a boat and drink beer all day.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford tobe screwed for?

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. ''Doctor,'' she asks nervously, ''canyou get pregnant from anal intercourse?''''Certainly,'' replies the doctor, ''Where do you think lawyers come from?''