Newest jokes

Q: How can you tell a blonde has been working on the computer?A: There is white out on the screen

Q: Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test?A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. ''Well, Paddy, What do you think?''''Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one''. They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. ''How about this one, Paddy?'' ''Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking''.This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. ''Well, Paddy, what do we do now?'' ''Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not...''

|1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!

What goes ''Clip''?
A one legged horse!

What goes into the mouth of a quarter
horse?
Two bits!

What did the worm say to the other when he was

late home ?
Where in earth have you been !

What do you get if you cross a worm
and an
elephant ?
Very big worm holes in your garden !

What makes a glow worm glow ?
A light meal
!

Why do worms taste like chewing gum
?
Because they're wrigleys !

What is life like for a wood worm ?
Boring
!

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, ''Man, I sure wish I could do that.'' The dog owner says, ''Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first.''

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that aninteresting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no otheranimal in the world does this.Johnny's hand shoots up. ''Not correct, Miss!'' he says.''Please explain, Johnny,'' replies the teacher.''Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went ''ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!'', and before he could say ''FUCK OFF!'', the dog ate him!''

Teacher : Make up a sentence using the word

lettuce !
Pupil : Let us out of school early !

Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while

studying.
Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling !

Teacher : Give
me a sentence with the words
defence, defeat and detail in it.
Pupil : When a horse jumps over
defence, defeat go before detail
!

What do
you call the sound a ghost makes
when he calls you?
A phone moan.

How does a baboon make phone calls?
He
just monkeys around on the line!

|The Judge said to the defendant. ''I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.''''Your Honor,'' the criminal said, ''that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.''

|Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''Watson replied, ''I see millions and millions of stars.''''What does that tell you?''Watson pondered for a minute.''Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. ''It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.''