Newest jokes

What kind of music do phones love to hear?

A symphony

How that we are engaged I hope you'll give

me a ring.
Of course. What's your phone number ?

Why are there so many Johnson
in he
phone book?
They all have phones.

|These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, ''Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.''New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:''I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.'' And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say ''I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,'' Matt Millen of the Raiders said, ''To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too.'' Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: ''Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'' Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: ''I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'' Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: ''You guys line up alphabetically by height.'' and ''You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.''Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: ''I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school.'' Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: ''Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.'' Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: ''That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.'' Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: ''I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'' Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: ''I've won at every level, except college and pro.'' Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: ''He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.'' Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: ''We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.'' (1992) Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: ''My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.'' (1982) Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: ''He wants Texas back.'' (1981) Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: ''One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?'' (1966) Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: ''I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.'' (1981) Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: ''But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.'' (1991) Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: ''I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.'' (1986)Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: ''It's basically the same, just darker.'' (1991)Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: ''I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot.'' (1996)Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: ''I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' '' (1991) Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: ''He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.'' (1991) Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: ''Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.'' (1987)

|There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself ''what a waste'' he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, ''Is this seat taken?'' The man replied, ''This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.'' The other man replied,''I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?'' The man replied, ''They're all at the funeral.''

|THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU! With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. ''HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?'' Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. ''HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING'' Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below. ___YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: [ ] Starter[ ] Reserve[ ] Star*[ ] Superstar**[ ] Entire team***[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.* Higher cost** Much higher cost*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard[ ] Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________Telephone Number: __________________Account Number: _____________________Exp.Date:____________________________Signature: _________________________Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer
have in
common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those
Tomahawks are coming
from !

Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A:
Foreign Ambassador

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: ''So your mother saysyour prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does shesay?''The little boy replied, ''Thank God he's in bed!''

This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front desk says to him:''Thank you for coming.''

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. ''By the way, what should I wear at the party'' The man, responded ''Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!''Sent by Chris

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices thatat the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has everseen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must haveher....He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has anySpanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comesback a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....hesays to the man...''this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....butthis is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to gether over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!'' so the manforks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into achampagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with hiscompliments.....The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero ratherdisinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off herbarstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a mostseductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrificallyexcited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shouldersand leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on hisneck....and she whispers ''Hey big boy....want to go shopping?''

A woman in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs spread wide, lets out a loud yell and out pops a little black head.''There was this black guy once'' she said to the midwife. Then she screamed again and out pops a yellow body. ''That must be the Chinese guy I slept with'' she said. Then one more scream and the baby?s white legs were born, ''Ah - that was the husbands bit'' she said.The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap, then baby started crying. The woman looked at the doctor & said ''Thank fuck for that, I thought it was going to bark !!!''

A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks ''what are you doing?'' Indian says'' Me tellum time.'' Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says ''You telling time?'' yup'' ''how can you tell time like that?'' Indian says ''workum like sundial, readum shadow''. Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says ''let me guess, you're telling time too.'' Indian says '' Nope. But me windum clock!''

What happens if a big hairy monster sits in

front of you at the movie theater?
You miss most of the film.

First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's

hanging out.
Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your
necktie!

What do you call
a huge, ugly, slobbering,
furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
Anything you like ? he
can't hear you.

Policeman: Why were you
asleep at
the wheel?
Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.

Policeman: Why have you parked your bus

here?
Bus Driver: The sign says ''Bus Stop.''

Policeman: Why didn't
you stop at
that red light?
Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.