Newest jokes

When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he

couldn't sleep.
''She took the bed!''

Marriage is nature's way of preventing

people from fighting with strangers.

Two ladies were hanging out together and one
was depressed.
''What's wrong?''
The depressed one replied,
''I've been married four times and everyone
of my husbands has passed
away.''
The other lady asked, ''What did they used to do?''
The
depressed lady replied, ''Well, my first husband was a millionaire,
the
second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth

was a mortician.''
And the other said, ''Oh, one for the money, two for
the show, three to
get ready, and four to go.''

|''The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.''''If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.''''So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?''''Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?''''Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.''''The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?''''Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.''''Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.''''No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.''''Just how big were those two beers?''In God we trust, all others are suspects.''

|Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?New Recruit: Call for backup!

|There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.''YOU'RE DRUNK!'' exclaimed the police officer.''Thank God for that!'' said the drunk, ''I thought the steering had gone.''

|This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating. Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber *makes the sale* to the second customer and he leaves as well. The robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in sight *without* gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.The day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else! He had to turn himself in that same day.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving bythe regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the humanbrain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

New scientific theoriesGRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on itsfeet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the butteredside facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to theback of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above theground, probably into eternity. A ''buttered-cat array'' could replacepneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and ''giant buttered-cat arrays''could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

Worried because
they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring
apartment, Mrs. Silver
said to her son, ''Timmy, would you go next door
and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?''

A few minutes later, Timmy
returned.

''Well,'' asked Mrs. Silver, ''is she all right?''

''She's fine, except
that she's angry at you.''

''At me?'' the woman exclaimed.
''Whatever for?''

''She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,''' snickered
Timmy.

The Senate is investigating
deceptive
sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and
make them
think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they
never
see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social
Security.

Two
elderly women were out driving in a
large car-both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were
cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but
they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought
to herself ''I must be losing it, I could have
sworn we just went
through a red light.''

After a few more minutes they came to
another intersection and the
light was red again and again they went
right though. This time the woman
in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but
was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going
on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and
they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said,
''Mildred! Did you know we just ran through thre
e red lights in a row! You
could have killed us!''

Mildred
turned to her and said, ''Oh, am I driving?''

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down

to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and
an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully
divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
one for
her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink
into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then
began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her
hands folded in her
lap.

The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they
didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, ''Oh no.
We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50.''

The young man then asked the wife if
she was going to eat, and she
replied, ''It's his turn with the
teeth.''

''Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible.'' ''If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.''

The Three Laws of Thermodynamics 1.You can't win. 2.You can't break even. 3.You can't quit the game.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What artistic dog
chews a lot and follows the
rules of the farm where it lives?
A Chihuahua that can draw and
gnaw while obeying the law and lying on
straw!

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old
woman: ''And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?'' the
reporter asked.

She simply replied, ''No peer pressure.''

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass

surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and

diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject
to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have
lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I
still have my Florida driver's license!

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, ''What are you doing?!!'' The blind man replies, ''Just looking around.''