Newest jokes

Why was Santa's little helper

depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

''Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas

tie?'' ''He said it was too tight.''

It was Christmas
eve, and Santa was
really busy making his list and checking it twice, when
there came a
knock at the door. His wife comes in. ''Honey, where do
you want me to
put your boots and gloves?'' Well, Santa is very busy and
so he's
slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her,
''Put
them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get

some work done.''

He starts back to work, but a few minutes later
an elf barges in.
''Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should
we do with them?'' Santa
snaps, ''Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't
you see I'm trying to get
ready? I don't want any more
interruptions!''

But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there
is another
interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says,
''Santa, I have your
Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?''


And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange
l on top of
the Christmas tree.

What does a monster mom say to her
kids at
dinnertime?
Don't talk with someone in your mouth.

A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender says ''Is this a joke?''

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail,stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.''Hold on there, Mister,'' said the sheriff.''Did I just see what I think I saw?''''Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.''''And that cures them?'' the Sheriff asked.''Nope, but it keeps me from lick'en 'em.''

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..''I sure do,'' he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.''Wow!'' said his friend, ''where did you get that monster.''''I got it from my genie.''''You have a genie?'' he asked.''Yes, he's right here in my pocket.''''Could I see him?''He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, ''I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?''''Yes I will,'' the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, ''What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!''He answers, ''I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?''

How do
you tell the difference
between the staff and the inmates at a
psychiatric hospital?

The
patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks
he is God.
The staff have the keys!

Patient: Doctor, my
wife thinks I'm
crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like
sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've
got
hundreds of them.

When the new patient was settled
comfortably on the couch,
the physiatrist began his therapy session, ''I'm
not aware of your
problem,'' the doctor said. ''So perhaps, you
should start at the very
beginning.''

''Of course.'' replied the
patient. ''In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth...''

What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day
?
Turns over a new leaf !

What is the definition of a caterpillar ?
A
worm in a fur coat !

Why don't other bugs like earwigs ?
Because
they are always earwigging their conversations !

What kind of
wig can hear ?
An earwig
!

What did the earwig say as it fell down the
stairs ?
Ear we go !

This blonde and her boyfriend
were sitting
in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, ''Is it
true that
if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?''

A lady walks
into the dentist's office,
takes off her underwear, sits down on the
chair and spreads her legs
wide open. ''You must have made a mistake'' says
the shocked dentist,
''The gynecologist's office is one level
higher.'' To that the lady
replies, ''No mistake, you installed my husband's
dentures last
week, now you'll be the one getting them out.''

A
blonde arrived for her first golf lesson
and the pro asked her to take a
swing at a ball to see how she'd
do. The blonde did so and competely
duffed the shot. The pro said
''Your swing is good but you're gripping the
club too hard - grip the
club gently as you would your husband's
penis.'' The blonde took
another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight
down the fairway.
The pro said ''That was excellent! Let's try it
again only this
time take the club out of your mouth.''

''Hello?'' the blonde responded answering the

phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, ''Hello?''

''I'll bet
you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom,
undress you,
lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love
to you
until dawn.'' the male voice whispered.

''Scheesch! You're good.''
she replied. ''You mean you can tell all
that from two hello's?''

|Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, ''What other problem can there be greater than this one?''