Newest jokes

Jackie stood quietly as her father
examined
her report card.
''What is this 45 in math?'' asked her father.
''I
think that's the size of the class,'' she said quickly!

If I had
five coconuts and I gave you
three, how many would I have left ?
I don't know.
Why not ?
In our
school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.

|His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. ''Did she say anything before she died?'' asked the sergeant. ''She spoke without interruption for about forty years,'' said the Irishman.

|Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. ''I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total'', says the Genie.The Scottish guy says, ''I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.'' So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, ''I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.''Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.The Irishman asks, ''I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'' The Genie explains, ''well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.''The Irishman says, ''Fill it up with water.''

|McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. ''S'cuse me,'' said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. ''What was that all about?'' ''Nothing,'' said the Irishman, ''my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.''

|''Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?'' ''No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !''

Ted: Last night my computer died. Ned: What did it die of? Ted: Aterminal illness

A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctors drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed, ''This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!''''No, I'm sorry,'' replied the bartender...''It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc.''

|One day there was a woman who lost her cat named ''LOVE.'' It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, ''I'm looking for LOVE.'' The policeman arrested her on the spot.

|A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... ''Pull over!''''No,'' she shouts back, ''a pair of socks!''

|A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. ''What did you take?'' his priest asked. ''Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.'' ''This is very serious,'' the priest said. ''I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?'' ''No, Father, I haven't,'' the man replied. ''But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.''

|John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, ''Is there a problem, Officer?''''No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?''John thought for a minute and said, ''Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.''Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, ''Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned.''Brian from the back seat said, ''I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!''At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, ''Are we over the border yet?''

|A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.She said, ''I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia.''As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, ''Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again.''

Why were the vets and pounds
mad?


It was raining cats and dogs

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with

sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was

completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A

silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the
only
remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue
squad rushed
to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting
there in the tub,
talking to herself.
''It was the most amazing
thing ... it was the most amazing thing.''
she kept repeating dazedly.

''What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?'' asked one of the
rescuers.
''I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did
was
pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly
drain
away.''

Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink
on the way home
from a long day in the studio?
The nearest
ISOBAR!!

The Michaels family owned a small farm in

Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had
been the
subject of a minor dispute between the United States and
Canada for
generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her
ninetieth
birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three
grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. ''I
just got some
news, Mom,'' he said. ''The government has come to an
agreement with
the people in Washington. They've decided that our
land is really part
of the United States. We have the right to
approve or disapprove of the
agreement. What do you think?''


''What do I think?'' his mother said. ''Jump at it! Call them right now

and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of

those Canadian winters!''

Don't steal... The government doesn't like competition!

What's the most popular wine at
Christmas?
''I don't like sprouts!''

What do you get if you deep fry Santa

Claus?
Crisp Cringle.