Newest jokes

|The following supposedly a true story.This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said ''Because I don't believe you are over 21.'' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

There is a new
Barbie doll on the
market - Cyberpunk Barbie ...includes 'trodes and
implants

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Biker Barbie ...complete with leathers and tattoos

There is a new
Barbie doll on the
market - Eye Patch Barbie ...with a choice of eye patch
colors: purple,
hot pink, or aqua!

What did the maggot say to his friend when he
got stuck
in an apple ?
Worm your way out of that one !

Why didn't the two worms get on
Noah's
Ark in an apple ?
Because everyone had to go on in pairs !

An 80 year
old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to
go to their doctor to get
checked out to make sure nothing was wrong
with them. When they
arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the
doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple
out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might
want to start writing things down and make notes
to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that
night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his
wife asks, ''Where are you going?''

He replies, ''To the kitchen.''


She asks, ''Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?''

He
replies, ''Sure.''

She then asks him, ''Don't you think you should
write it down so you
can remember it?''

He says, ''No, I can
remember that.''

She then says, ''Well, I also would like
some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down cause I
know you'll forget that.''

He says, ''I can remember that, you
want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.''

She replies,
''Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you
will forget
that so you better write it down.''

With irritation in his voice,
he says, ''I don't need to write that
down, I can remember that.'' He
then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns
from the kitchen and hands her a
plate of bacon and eggs.


She stares at the plate for a moment and says, ''You forgot my

toast.''

An elderly woman
from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.


''Bloomingdales!'' the rabbi exclaimed. ''Why Bloomingdales?''

''Then
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.''

Three ladies were discussing the
travails
of getting older. One said, ''Sometimes I catch myself with a jar
of
mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,

and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a

sandwich.''

The second lady chimed in with, ''Yes, sometimes
I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember
whether I was on my way up or
on my way down.''

The third one
responded, '' Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that
problem.
Knock on wood,'' as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and
then said,
''That must be the door, I'll get it!''

Two psychologists meet at their

twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while
the
other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The
older looking one asks the other, ''What's your secret? Listening
to
other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end,

has made an old man of me.''
The younger looking one replies, ''Who
listens?''

What's the difference between a

psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of
rats!

Psychiatrist to his nurse:
''Just say
we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a
madhouse.'''

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He
says, ''It seems I can't
make any friends. Can you help me, you fat
slob?''

Why is psychoanalysis
a lot quicker
for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to
childhood, a man is already
there.

This horse walks in to a bar and asks for a bit to eat!

What did Frankenstein's
monster say when
he was struck by lightning?
Thanks, I needed that.

What should you do if a monster runs

through your front door?
Run through the back door.

How do you stop a monster digging up your

garden?
Take his spade away.

What do you do with a green monster?
Put
it in the sun until it ripens!

Why did the monster
take his nose apart?

To see what made it run.