Newest jokes

My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that

if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd
be
fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the
artist, ''Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald
bracelets and a ruby pendant.''
''But you are not
wearing any of those things.''
''I know,'' she said. ''It's in case I
should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away,
and I want his new wife to go nuts
looking for the jewelry.''

''The thrill is gone from my marriage,'' Brian
told his best friend
Mike.
''Why not add some intrigue to your
life, and have an affair?'' his
friend suggested.

''But what
if my wife finds out?''

''Heck, we are almost on the begining of
the 21st centrury, Brian. Go
ahead and tell her about it!''


So Brian went home and said, ''Dear, I think an affair will bring us

closer together.''

''Forget it,'' said his wife. ''I've tried that
many times - it never
worked.''

What is black and white and red all over?
A
Chihuahua in a tuxedo that tripped into a jar of salsa!

|Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

|A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

|Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.His boss asks what the problem is. ''Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress,'' complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.Joe asked ''what's wrong?'' It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired''

|A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. ''I can't find any green golf balls,'' the blonde golfer complains.The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, ''Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?''''Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!''

|The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

QUESTION: Do you know what
is honeymoon?
ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and
debting.

QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six
days?
ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.

What would a pig name a chain of food
stores?
''Stop ''N Slop Markets''

What do you call a black Eskimo dog ?
A dusky
husky !

What kind
of pants do you buy for your pet
Chihuahua?
Shorts!

What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes?
Get a
small hankie!

Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into

a lake?
To a weterinarian!

Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons?
They're
short of breath!

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students humanreproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: ''Female humans are bornwith a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, producemillions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?'' Oneyoung woman's answer: ''Because they won't ask for directions either.''

why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?breasts don't have eyes

Why did God create men
first? Because we learn
from mistakes.