Newest jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the

market - Death Row Barbie ...comes complete with cell; raunchy cellmate

sold separately

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Grunge
Barbie ...with flannel shirt and a goatee

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in

fair weather?
A) He's got bugs on his teeth.

If you are standing in the main
street of
Amsterdam, and can't see the clock tower of the Central Railway

Station, that means it is raining. If you can see the clock tower, that

means it is about to rain.

Years ago, Nebraskans got tired of leaning

into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying

their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down
from
Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to
stop it.
The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence
across the
North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea
being, to stop that
cold wind. It might've worked, too. The barbed
wire they used was
strong enough, .but the real problem was that a
couple owners of farms on
the upper boarder kept leaving their gates
open.

During the month of
June and July. Here in
the panhandle it got pretty hot in this area. In
Fact people were
even overworking in the heat. So one day I was working
outside in
the heat and then i thought i better get inside. My Boss
asked me
where i was going and i told him i am going inside to cool down .
He
said that i better get back to work. I said i cant, he said how

come.? Because it is so hot out here that i have to go inside to change my

mind.

Recently during the heavy rains they have experienced in
New
England the mail carrier for one neighborhood commeneted on the
''pouring
rain.'' Well , atleast the dew point is coming down!

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. ''Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?'' The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, ''First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?'' Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, ''Um...no.'' ''-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?'' The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, ''-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,'' the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, ''leaving her penniless with three children?'' The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, ''I had no idea...'' On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: ''-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?''

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender ''Do you serve lawyers here?'' ''Sure do,'' replied the bartender. ''Good,'' said the customer, ''Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator.''

Guilty Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. ''Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,'' the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. ''Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,'' he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'' The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. ''But how?'' inquires the lawyer. ''You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.'' Answers the representative: ''Oh, we did look. But your client didn't.''

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated! If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

The bartender asks him ''What'll you have?''. The guy answers, ''A scotch, please''. The bartender hands him the drink, and says ''That'll be five dollars'', to which he replies ''What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this''.A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ''You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration''. The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, ''Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again''.The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, ''What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!''. The guy says ''What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life'', to which the bartender replies ''I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.''To which the guy replies ''Thank you! Make it a scotch.''

What do
you do if your bank account stops
working?

Throw the guy out of the house.

Why are men like paper cups?
They're
disposable

why don't men do laundry?
cause the washer
and dryer don't run on remote control!

Why do men
prefer blondes?
Men always like
intellectual company

A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical.''What's wrong?'' her mum, (another blonde) asked.''My boyfriend's just dropped me!'' wailed the blonde.Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees.''No mum,'' the blonde interrupted. ''You don't understand - I can fuck and suck with the best of them, but he says I can't cook!''

|A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, ''What's your name and address?'' ''I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.'' The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. ''I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.''

|Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy ''Jez, that look like Sean'' to which Paddy replied ''No Sean was taller than that''

QUESTION: What is
honeymoon? ANSWER: That
brief span of time between, ''I do'' and
''You'd better!''