Newest jokes

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found oneat a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.''This mower work, son?'' the preacher asked.Little Johnny said, ''Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though.''The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny'shouse. ''You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.''''Well,'' Johnny said, ''you need to curse at it sometimes.''The preacher was aghast. ''I've not done that in years!''''Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you.''

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, ''PLAY''. The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz. The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said ''SING''. The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the drunk man and offered to buy this little outfit that he had. After a bit of negotiating, the drunk man agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk ''You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!'' The drunk laughed heartily and replied ''I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?''The bartender responded ''What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!'' ''The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend'', chuckled the drunk. ''That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!''

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, ''You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.'' The bartender says ''Prove it.'' The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. ''That's incredible!'' says the bartender. ''I would never have believed it!'' ''Yeah'', said the guy, ''I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?'' The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. ''Oh my god!'' said the bartender. ''Did they rob you? Are you hurt?'' The guy turns and says: ''No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax.''

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.''Well, you really tied one on last night,'' she said.''Where'd you go?'' ''I worked late,'' he said, ''and I stopped off for a couple of beers.''''A couple of beers? That's a laugh,'' she replied, ''You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?''''What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?''''Well,'' she replied, ''my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.''

There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went. Guy 1: Yah..I'm originally from Dublin, IrelandGuy 2: REally?! Me too!Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?Guy 1: 1988!guy 2: Same here!A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother.The bar tender replied, '' Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again.''

One blonde to another...Have you ever read Shakespeare?No. Who wrote it?

What does a blond and a turtle have in common?When they lay on their backs they're screwed!

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. Thedoctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this wasan obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?The blonde said, ''Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commitsuicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait aminute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruinit. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait aminute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want toruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait aminute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! Sothen I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this isgoing to be loud!''

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?A retarded ape.

This blond teenage dragged her boyfriend to the court on paternity issue.The lawyer asked, ''How long are you having a sexual relationship?'' ''Years,I tell you years'' she replied. '' Thats no answer, you have to specify howlong has he intimated with you.'' ''I don't know exactly, its average, aboutsix inches''

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With
his North Pole-aroid.

What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH
OH NO!

Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind
his
manners the most?
''Rude''olph

What is the cow's holiday greeting?

Mooooory Christmas!

|A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. ''They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,'' she cried out.However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. ''Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.''

Q: ''How many members of the coalition does it

take to screw in a light bulb?''
A: ''We are not prepared to
comment on specific numbers at this
time.''

Yo mama hair so short when she braided it

they looked like stiches.

Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to
have
license plates!