Newest jokes

How do you get a man to do situps?Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

|Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.The last question read, ''Old MacDonald had a ________.''Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. ''Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?''Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. ''Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.''''Oh yeah,'' said Bubba. ''I remember now.''He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, ''Tiny, how do you spell farm?''''You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.''

|A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. ''Is that so?'' the first said. ''Did he do a good job?''''Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot,'' he said. ''The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That,'' he added, ''was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt.''

|After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, ''Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?'' ''Yes,'' the golfer responded. ''Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?'' ''Yes, I did. How did you know?'' he asked. ''Well,'' said the policeman very seriously, ''Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?'' The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... ''I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.''

|A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, ''You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.'' With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, ''Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.''

A police officer was amazed to see
a hiker
walking along the road carrying a sign which read ''To
Seattle.'' ''What
are you doing with that?'' asked the police officer.
''I'm walking to
Seattle,'' said the hiker, ''and I don't want to lose
my
way.''

Tourist: Is this 99 Main
Street?
Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse

people.

Is chicken soup good for
your health ?
Not
if you're the chicken !

What do chickens serve at birthday
parties
?
Coop-cakes !

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top
of a
barn ?
An eggroll !

What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg
?
The bombshell !

What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She
lays hand gren-eggs !

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor ''Big Chief no fart.'' The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day. The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, ''Big Chief no fart.'' The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, ''Big Chief no fart.'' After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and says ''Big fart no Chief!''

Q: What do the Chinese call a 69????A: Two can chew!!

Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . '' See those guys over there ? '' Chanowski says.'' I'm going over there and ask them what they think of Polaks.'' Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then walks back to his drinking buddy. '' Well , what do they think of Polaks?'' he asks. ''We're still number one , '' replies Chanowski.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, ''Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.'' The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, ''Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: ''That's Strange!''

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding. ''Father,'' she said, ''How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?'' ''My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be,'' he replied. ''Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!''

A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says ''I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million''. Then the CEO states ''Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact''. The Lawyer glares at the two and says ''I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!''

Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.JUDGE: To what?DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.PROSECUTION: The people do not.DEFENSE: Do too.PROSECUTION: Do not.DEFENSE: Do too.DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.PROSECUTION: Where were we?JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on ''Do not.''PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe that that is not really F. Lee Bailey. (A murmer runs through the courtroom.)JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this courtroom!BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving. The people request permission to stick him with a pin.JUDGE: I'll allow it.F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssssJUDGE: Let the record show that ''F. Lee Bailey'' is actually an inflat- able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV show!JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.DEFENSE: Which one?JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your book advance.EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is $350,000.PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to play us.PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis- sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be played by Demi Moore?PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?EXPERT WITNESS: I am.PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this way, or the way the people wore it before?EXPERT WITNESS: This way.JUDGE: What about my beard?EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more impressive facial hair on a coconut.(Laughter.)JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you identify this item for the court?EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging to the defendant.DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either way.PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert words, what ''DNA'' stands for?EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or poppy seed at the scene of the...EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!(Another murmer runs through the court.)GUN: BANG!BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National Enquirer.JUDGE: I'll allow it.PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.JUDGE: Of course.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we cannot...JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold creamon her face.''Why do you do that, Mommy?''''To make myself beautiful,'' said his mother, who then began removingthe cream with a tissue.''What's the matter?'' asked Little Johnny. ''Giving up?''