Newest jokes

Sargeant Williams was the newest drill
instructor at AOCS, Aviation
Officer Candidate School and as such was
always trying to impress his
company commander and the other officers
in the Command. Daily he was seen
jumping all over his officer
candidates and yelling at them as he
supposedly developed them into
future Naval Officers. We were lined up behind
his company awaiting
our turn to go into the mess hall for lunch.
We all listened as
Sargeant Williams yelled at his company, '' you will
eat in a military
fashion, enjoy this delicious meal and fall by in
formation at 1215,
do you worms understand me?''
''Yes drill sargeant.''
''There are
only three rules in this galley, shut up, eat up and get
up, do you
pukes understand me?''
''Yes drill sargeant.''
''Then proceed. Company
forward march.''
When they got inside, they were surprised to see
several Miss Florida
contestants getting a tour of the mess hall.
Not one to let an
opportunity slip by the drill sargeant yelled at
the top of his lungs, '' bravo
company what is the first rule of the
mess hall?''
To his chagrin, his company all yelled out in unison,
''shut up drill
sargeant!''

What would happen if pigs went on strike?

They'd form pigget lines.

Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a
cordless
phone.

Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in
stereo.

Yo mama is
missing a finger and can't
count past nine.

Yo mama middle name is Rambo.

How can you tell which end of a worm is which
?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs !

The difference
between men and women
A man
is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving

down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the

window and yells, ''PIG!''
The man immediately leans out his window and
replies, ''Stupid!''
They each continue on their way, and as the man
rounds the next corner
he slams into a pig in the middle of the
road.

Q. Why is the book ''Women Who
Love Too Much'' a
disappointment for many
men?

A. No phone numbers.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment,

and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in a
lift with the Spice girls.

ELF NO. 1: What did
Santa shout to his
toys on Christmas Eve?
ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa
Claus?
MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and
down or across ?
Teacher: What do you mean ?
Pupil: Well,up and
down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0

The
teacher was reviewing counting with her
first-grade class. ''Jackie,''
she asked, ''can you count to 10
without mistakes?''
''Yes,'' said Jackie, and she did.
''Now, Fred,'' said
the teacher, ''can you count from 10 to 20?''
''That depends,'' said
Fred, ''with or without mistakes''!

Teacher:
Can you count to 10?
Fred: Yes,
teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine,
ten.
Teacher: Now go on from there.
Fred: Jack, Queen, King.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to

train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to
take off.

New scientific theories2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawnto equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure changeoutside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, sothey must yawn to even it all out.

New scientific thoeries1st RunnerUp- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in aninfinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number ofshotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they willeventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

New scientific theoriesHONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the Englishlanguage is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in onegeographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian ''pahks''his ''cah'', the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to ''warsh''his car and invest in ''erl wells.''

scientists Decode the First Message From an AlienCivilization...Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to theStar System at the top of the list, cross off that starsystem, then put your Star System at the bottom of thelist and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Withinone-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receiveenough hydrogen to power your civilization untilentropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!