Newest jokes

A guy
walked into the doctor's surgery for
an appointment. ''Would you like
to tell me your problem?'' the
pretty blonde receptionist asked.
''I'll need the information for the
doctor.'' ''It's rather embarrassing''
the guy stammered. ''You see, I
have a very large and almost constant
erection.'' ''Well, the doctor
is very busy today'' the receptionist
cooed, ''but maybe I can squeeze
you in.''

A man comes home from work one night to catch
his blonde
girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out,
''What do you
think you're doing?'' ''Just heating up dinner'' she
replies.

Tourist: The flies are awfully
thick around here. Don't you ever shoo
them?
Native: No, we just
let them go barefoot.

Tourist: What's the speed

limit in this hick town?
Native: We don't have one. You strangers
can't get out of here fast
enough for us.

Police Officer: Why did you lead me

on a five-state chase?
Driver: I love to travel.

Guest: Why did you offer me a piece
of
candy?
Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the
hotel.

Q: How
many tourists does it
take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to
ask for directions.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, ''What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!'' The drunk responds, ''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.'' The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. ''Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?''

The Five Stages Of DrunkenessStage 1 - CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.Stage 3 - RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.Stage 4 - INVINCIBLEYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.Stage 5 - INVISIBLEThis is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UPStage 1 - STUPIDAs you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.Stage 2 - UGLYNever entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.Stage 3 - POORHaving crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.Stage 4 - FRAGILEAs you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUSThis is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says ''I will grant each of you three wishes.''The bear says ''I wish all the bears in the forest were females.'' *poof* It's done.The rabbit says ''I wish for a motorcycle.'' *poof* It's done.The bear says ''I wish all the bears in this country were females.'' *poof* It's done.The rabbit says ''I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house.'' *poof* It's done.The bear is thinking to himself ''why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well.'' ''And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female.'' *poof* It's done.The rabbit says ''For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay.'' And he rides off on his motorcycle.

Policeman: Why
didn't you obey that
stop sign?
Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

Policeman: Why did your car
just
spin around in circles?
Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my
mind.

Policeman: Why did
you stop your
car, get out, and yell ''coward'' at the traffic signal?
Motorist: The
light just turned yellow.

Policeman: Why did you lead me on a

high-speed chase?
Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow
one.

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the localminister comes walking around the corner.The minister says, ''My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving thatsheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?''The farmer says, ''I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, ''When did this happen?'' She replied, ''Last week.'' The police then asked, ''Why did you wait until now to report it?'' Well,'' she said. ''I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced.''

Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. ''Excuse me, miss,'' said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. ''The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week.'' ''What difference does it make?'' Joan asked rather calmly. ''No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.'' ''Not exactly,'' said the embarrassed little man. ''You're lying on the dining room skylight!''

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, ''This one will go a little over a 100''. Astonished the Yankee said, ''Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way''. The farmer laughed and called to his young son, ''Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man''. The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, '' This here pig weighs about 100 pounds''. The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, ''Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman''.

What happened when the chicken ate cement
?
She laid a sidewalk !