Newest jokes

What did the elephant say when it saw the

Chihuahuas coming down the road?
Look out for the mice!

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.''I would like to buy this TV,'' she told the salesman.''Sorry we don't sell to blondes,'' he replied.She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told thesalesman, ''I would like to buy this TV.''''Sorry we don't sell to blondes,'' he replied.''Darn, he recognized me,'' she thought.She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and newcolor, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. ''I would like to buy this TV,'' she told the salesman.''Sorry we don't sell to blondes,'' he replied.Frustrated, she exclaimed, ''How do you know I'm a blonde?''''Because that's a microwave,'' he replied.Sent by Ace

How do you know a blond has been using your computer?When the joy stick is wet!Sent by Richard

(Q) Why don't blondes use vibrators? (A) Because they are scared they might chip thier teeth!!!Sent by T.L.Glenn

Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?The blonde - she is eighteen.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the other

hurricane?
A: I have my eye on you.

Q: What's the difference between a horse

and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

Jill: How did you find
the weather on your
vacation?
Bill: I just went outside and there it was!

It only rains twice a
year in Seattle:
August through April and May through July.

What is hail
?
Hard boiled rain !

Yo mama so skinny she
hula hoops with a
cheerio

Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and

dissapeared.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Broken Bungee Barbie
...Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement

There is a new Barbie
doll on the
market - FrankenBarbie ...comes with bolts through her
neck

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Shock Therapy Barbie ...car
battery and wires included

A boat
docked in a tiny Mexican
village. An American tourist complimented the
Mexican fisherman on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took
him to catch
them.

''Not very long,'' answered the Mexican.

''But then, why
didn't you stay out longer and catch more?'' asked the

tourist.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet
his
needs and those of his family.

The tourist asked, ''So
what do you do with the rest of your time?''

''I sleep late, fish a
little, play with my children, spend time with
my wife... In the
evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have
a few drinks,
play the guitar, chase the senioras, and sing a few
songs. I have a
full life.''

The tourist said, ''I have a M.B.A. from Stanford and
I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You
can then sell the
extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue
, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat
will bring, you can buy a second one
and a third one and so on
until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your
fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly
with the processing
plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can
then leave this
little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or
even New
Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.''

''How long
would that take?'' asked the Mexican.

''Twenty, perhaps
twenty-five years,'' replied the tourist.

''And after that?'' asked the
Mexican.

''Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting,''
answered the
tourist, laughing. ''When your business gets really big, you
can start
selling stocks and make millions!''

''Millions?
Really?'' asked the Mexican. ''And after that?''

The tourist replied,
''After that you'll be able to retire, live in a
tiny village n
ear the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch
a few
fish, spend time with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking
and
playing the guitar with your friends!''

An American tourist
travelling
in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was
lucky
enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity,

signed by Saint Patrick himself.

Ten years later the tourist
returned to Ireland and asked the antique
shop owner if he had any
more bargains. ''I've got the very thing for
you,'' said the Irishman.
''It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick''.
''You swindler!'' shouted
the American. ''You sold me that ten years
ago,'' and, producing the
skull, added, ''Look, they're not even the
same size!''

''You
have it all wrong,'' said the Irishman. ''This is the skull of
Saint
Patrick when he was a lad.''

A client called in inquiring about

a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,

''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train
to
Hawaii?''

Joan, who was rather
well-proportioned, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the
second, she decided
that no one could see her way up there, and she
slipped out of it for an
overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when
she heard someone running up the stairs. She
was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

''Excuse me, miss,''
said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath
from running up the stairs. ''The Hilton doesn't mind
your sunbathing
on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday.''

''What difference does it make?''
Joan asked rather calmly. ''No one
can see me up here, and besides,
I'm covered with a towel.''

''Not exactly,'' said the embarrassed
man. ''You're lying on the
dining room skylight.''

Two Yanks touring London in a taxi.
What is that
asked one of the Yank's. Why that is Buckingham
Palace answered the
taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have
much bigger houses
over there, and that. That is the Post Office
Tower. Oh our towers are
much bigger. This went on for much of the
day until they went past a
another building. Our buildings are much
bigger than that one too. I thought
it might be said the taxi
driver, That is the mental institute