Newest jokes

How much money did the bronco have?
Only a
buck!

How do you make a small fortune out of
horses?
Start off with a large fortune!

What kind of clothes are there?women: clean & dirtyMen: Clean,almost clean,sorta clean,not bad,dirty,really dirty,nasty ,biohazzard.(Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification ofthese clothes).

How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?At the circus the clowns don't talk...

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, andclitorises?They miss them all.

Two buddies get together and decide togo to a whorehouse, one of them tired ofdoing it with his wife all the time, theother not having it done for a long time. Anyways the married one goes up andcomes down and says '' My wife is muchbetter''. ''Allright'' goes the other guy,'' Let me go try the same woman.''Well he goes and screws the whore,comes than says to his buddy, '' You areright man, Your wife is much better.''

Did you hear the one about the guy who had five penises ?He had a pair of underpants that fitted him like a glove.....

|A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, ''Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!'' The golfer, annoyed, says, ''What is it?'' ''It's a special golf ball,'' says the salesman. ''You can never lose it!'' ''Whattaya mean,'' scoffs the golfer, ''you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?'' ''No problem,'' says the salesman. ''It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.'' ''Well, what if you hit it into the woods?'' ''Easy,'' says the salesman. ''It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.'' ''Okay,'' says the golfer, impressed. ''But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?'' ''No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!'' The golfer buys it at once. ''Just one question,'' he says to the salesman. ''Where did you get it?'' ''I found it.''

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight.
What
happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in
three days!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the
gutter!

Q. Why is psycho- analysis so much easier for men ratherthan women? A. Because when it comes time to revert to childhood, menare already there.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators? -Toys for Twats.

How is a woman like an airplane? -Both have cockpits.

How is a woman like a road? -Both have manholes.

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. ''Shit!'' says the ant. ''One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!''

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ''Rover'' or ''Spot''. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, ''I would like to have one too!'' Then I said, ''But she is a dog!'' He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, ''You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old.'' He replied, ''You must have been quite a strong boy.'' When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, ''But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.'' He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, ''You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night.'' The clerk said, ''Me too!'' One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. ''You don't understand,'' I said, ''I hoped to have Sex on TV.'' He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ''Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.'' The Judge said, ''Me too!'' Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, ''I'm looking for Sex.'' -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ''What seems to be the trouble?'' I replied, ''Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely.'' and the doctor said, ''Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.''

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.''OK, follow me'' he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. ''Now, do you see that tree over there?'' he asked. ''Yes, Yes, Yes!'' the bats all screamed in a frenzy. ''Good'' said the bat, ''Because I sure as hell didn't!''

How did the Chihuahua disappear
on the road?

It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!

Why do Chihuahuas have such short
necks?

Because their heads are so close to their bodies!