Newest jokes

What's the difference between a new husband and a
new
dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

How do you hire a horse?
Put a brick under
each hoof!

How do you go about hiring a horse?
Try two
pairs of stilts!

How do jockeys determine which
racehorses
are the favourites?
They take a gallop poll!

How did the instructor try to make horse riding

enjoyable?
He tried to stirrup some interest!

Have you read the book, ''100-mile Horse

Trek''
Who wrote it?
Major Bumsore

Where do religious school children practice

sports?
In the prayground!

How did the basketball court get wet?
The
players dribbled all over it!

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip,this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppyonboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of hispants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shakingand quivering. 'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew? 'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man. Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.. 'Are you sure you're alright sir?' 'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.' 'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?' 'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'

What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas
song?
Jungle bells.

What's Christmas called in England
?
Yule Britannia !

Dear Father Christmas, could you please

send me some Crocodile shoes!.
Father Christmas: Can't do that one.
He hasn't said what size his
crocodile takes!

Dear Father
Christmas, this Christmas
could you please send me a yellow door.
Yours, Sherlock
Holmes
Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?
Lemon-entry my dear
watson.

'Father
Christmas has two reindeer. He
calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I
bet you can't tell me
why he does that!'
'Oh, yes I can.' the elf said.
'Because
tow 'Eds are better than one, of course!'

Teacher: Where is the English Channel
?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up

The brain is a wonder ful thing
Why do you
say that ?
Because it starts working the second you get up in the
morning and
never stops until you get asked a question in class !

In a Texas bar,The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from theregulars.So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them ''whip 'emout''.Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar,at the same time a gay guywalks into the bar.Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get forhim.The gay guy replies ''i was going to get a beer,but i'll check your buffettfirst''

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She wasdirectionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..

How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization... Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!