Newest jokes

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a

woodpecker ?
A bird that talks in morse code !

What happens when ducks fly upside
down ?

They quack up !

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, ''Who was *that*?''

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner ''Mom& Pop'' grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundrydetergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. ''Oh, no laundry,'' the boy said, ''I'm going to wash my dog.''''But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's verypowerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. Infact, it might even kill him.'' But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergentto the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried totalk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy somecandy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. ''Oh, he died,'' the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an ''I-told-you-so'', said he wassorry the dog died but added, ''I tried to tell you not to usethat detergent on your dog.'' ''Well, the boy replied, ''I don't think it was the detergentthat killed him.'' ''Oh? What was it then?'' ''I think it was the spin cycle!''

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very smallboy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him toreach.After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer tothe boys position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives thedoorbell a sold ring.Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently andasks, ''And now what, my little man?''To which the boy replies, ''Now we run!''

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, ''oh miss, oh miss!'' with his arm pumping.''Yes, Johnny, what is it?'' she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, ''at our house, we have everything.''''Don't be silly,'' the teacher replied, ''not even the richest man has everything.''''We do,'' he answered, ''My daddy said so the other day.''''Now, why would your father say such a thing?'' she asked.''Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said ''God, that's all we needed.''

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.''Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal andput a gun to my head''.''Jesus Christ! What happened?''''He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!''''Yeah, then what?''''Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?''

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... ''Kitza kitza...''She says, ''Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?''He says, ''I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.''

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made aliving. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried backhome. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed theolder man a $50 bill.The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, ''Son, you knowI've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend iton whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma.''''Pa!'' the young man stammered, ''do you know what that makes me?''''Yep,'' said the old man fingering the $50, ''... and a cheap one, too.

What is total agony? A one-armed man hanging from a twenty storybuilding, with a serious case of jock itch.

Q: Why are there so few Irish lawyers?A: The majority of them can't pass the bar!

Why are Blondes like railroad tracks?Because they are famous for getting laid all over the world!!!

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.''So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?'' ''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.''''That's very interesting,'' replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.''So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.'' ''That's very interesting,'' replies the researcher. ''That's how they do it in Cornwall too.'' And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.''So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.''''Over your shoulders?'' replies the researcher. ''Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?''''What?'' says the farmer. ''And miss out on all the kissing?!''

Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Because
talk is cheep !

Did you hear about the monster who had an

extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them?
In a handbag.

Girl: We have a mayor. Do you?
Horse:
Sure!
Girl: What do you call it?
Horse: Same as you do. Mare!

What are the worst 3 years of a blondes life?The 1st grade.

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?A mobile sperm bank.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into alumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office andsaid, ''We need some four-by-twos.''The clerk said, ''You mean two-by-fours, don't you?''The man said, ''I'll go check,'' and went back to the truck.He returned a minute later and said, ''Yeah, I meanttwo-by-fours.''''All right. How long do you need them?''The customer paused for a minute and said, ''I'd better gocheck.''After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,''A long time. We're gonna build a house.''

Two blondes were walking through the woods and theycame to some tracks. The first blonde said ''These look like deer tracks.'' The other said, ''No, they look like moose tracks.'' They argued and argued and were still arguing whenthe train hit them.