Newest jokes

Q: how many
vietnam vets does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!!
YOU'LL NEVER
KNOW!!!!!

A
soldier keeps a mug upside down and
tells the sergeant:

- I can't drink from this mug. It has no
opening.

The sergeant examines the mug and says:

- You are
right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

A general calls a colonel:

- Do you
have a couple of smart majors?

- Yes I do.

- Send them to
me. I need to move my furniture around.

Q: ''What has
an IQ of 42?''
A: ''40
Marines plus their lieutenant''

Policeman: What do you think you're
doing driving through that
intersection fifty miles an
hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an

accident.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ''Brenda, may I come in?'' he asks. ''I've somethin' to tell ya.''''Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim.But where's my husband?''''That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.''''Oh, God no!'' cries Brenda. ''Please don't tell me...''''I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.''Finally, she looked up at Tim. ''How did it happen, Tim?''''It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.''Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?''''Well, no Brenda, no.''''No?''''Fact is, he got out three times to pee.''

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?''Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy''

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, ''You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!'' I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.Sticking it in my face, she said, ''See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'''

Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers?

They have short tales!

Alsation: I'll see you shortly.
Chihuahua:
Okay, but don't call me ''Shortly!''

Alsation: How come
you are always so well
behaved when you go on a walk with your master?
Chihuahua: It's the
leash I can do!

How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped

you to set up your computer?
With dog diskettes!

What kind of computers do chihuahuas like
best?
Lap-top!

|A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, ''Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?''''Ever go a fishin'?'' the policeman suddenly asked the man.''Ummm, yeah...'' the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, ''Did you ever catch 'em all?''

|Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, ''Son, do you have a last request?'' To which the man replied, ''Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?'' ''Certainly,'' replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, ''Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?'' ''Please,'' said the condemned man, ''kill me first.''

Policeman: What do you think you're

doing parking your car there?
Motorist: I thought it was good
place. It says ''Safety
Zone.''

What goes 99-clonk, 99-clonk, 99-clonk ?
A
centipede with a wooden leg !

Are YOU A HARD MAN?1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers ''I love you''. Do you?a) Whisper back ''I love you too''.b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.c) Say ''Go to sleep dog breath''.3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.4/. If you break wind during the night do you?a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)Blame her and give her a boot.5/. If she breaks wind do you?a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.b) Clout the bitch.c) Say ''you dirty bitch'' and shove her out in the back yard.6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in andstick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol andset fire to the cunts.7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap andshe's in the bath. Do you?a) Go next door and use theirs.b) Yell ''Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of theshell''. c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlingstaking off.8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?a) Wait until next week.b) Wank.c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on theRibena ad.9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then getpissed.10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.15 - 29. You must try harder.30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks
out?
Close the door.

What did God say after she made Eve?
''Practice
makes perfect.''