Newest jokes

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, ''What do you want for your birthday?'' Smitty says, ''I want to get laid.''So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.''Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?''Smitty says, ''For a hundred bucks I want her nude!''

What do you get when you cut a banana in two?A BANANA SPLIT!

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, ''I had a big fightwith Sidney. He called me a sissy.''''What did you do?'' the mother asked.''I hit him with my purse!''

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating somecandy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hairon the floor. ''Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?'' asked the barber. ''Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!'' said the girl!

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed byand the girl mumbled, ''Please, sir, give me some money for a fix.'' The man answers, astonished, ''Good heavens! But, how old are you,little girl?'' ''I'm eight, sir.'' ''Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?'' ''Since I was raped, sir, when I was four.'' ''RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?'' ''I don't remember, I was drunk.''

''Say, how old are you anyway ?'' the reporter asked as theobviously young lass was disrobing.''Thirteen.'' she replied with a shy smile.''Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on atonce and get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?'' he thundered.Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphetsmiled and said, ''Superstitious, huh ?''

How do you make a gay baby cry?Take the pacifier out of his ass.

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: '' OOOOOhhh that looks like semen.'' She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says ''It feels like semen.''The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says ''It smells like semen.'' The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, ''It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . .''

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, ''Hmmm, this person looks familiar.''''Let me look.'' said the other one. So she handed her the compact.The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one.''You dumbass -- that's ME!

There are three friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.They were on a cruise ship and it was heading home. When theygot about 20 miles of shore the boat began to sink (no ideaway use your imagination). The three girls jump off and swimto a nearby island. After being there a few days the brunettetries to swim to shore. She gets about five miles off theisland's shore and drowns. After a few days pass the redhead decidesthat she will try. She gets about have way and drowns. Nowrealizing all her friends are gone she decides to try too. Now sheswims for hours. She gets to where she can see the shore but sheis so tired she decieds to turn around and go back.Sent by Evan

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badlyscrewed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lampwashing up onshore.She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As aconsolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, hecautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give herex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makesher first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grantsher wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollarbills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of10 billion dollars.The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. Thesecond wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own privatebeach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain thather ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beachto a small development of ten such mansions.Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the geniethat she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, thegenie again warns her that her ex-husband will get tentimes what she wishes for.No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish...''Id like to give birth to twins''.

A young girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.He says,''You have acute vaginitis.''She says ''Thank you.''

Did you hear about Tempura House?It's a shelter for lightly battered women.

What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20doesn't?A belly-button!

Yo mama so fat when she has
wants someone
to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama
so fat she goes to a resturant,
looks at the menu and says ''okay!''

Hey, you just shot my wife.
I'm so sorry,
have a shot at mine !

Why was the broom late ?
It over swept
!

She was two thirds married once.
What do
you mean ?
Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom
didn't !

Why did the 280-pound girl
marry the
400-pound man?
She wanted a big wedding.