Newest jokes

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

There was a young man from KentWhose tool was exceedingly bentHe put it in doubleTo save himself troubleInstead of coming he wen

As a man ages, it is natural that his hair starts thinning.It is a well-known fact that when a man is bald at the frontof his head, it?s because he?s a great thinker.Also, when a man is bald at the back of his head, it?sbecause he?s sexy.Unfortunately, when a man is bald both front and back, heonly thinks he?s sexy...Sent by Buddy

Father Christmas:I
like the story about
the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to

Granny.
Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!

Father Christmas:
What's your favourite
Christmas story?
Elf: The one about the ghost that steals
porridge!
Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul-di-locks'!

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, ''Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?'' I said, ''Fire and theft.''Insurance agent frowned. ''Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.''Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when apoliceman ran up to help. ''My mother-in-law just tried to runme over!'' the shaken man told the cop.''The car hit you from behind,'' the officer said. ''How couldyou tell it was your mother-in-law?''''I recognized the laugh!'' he replied.

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. ''Not correct, Miss!'' he says. ''Please explain, Johnny,'' replies the teacher. ''Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went ''ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!'', and before he could say ''FUCK OFF!'', the dog ate him!''

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, ''My father's dead, Miss.'' ''Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?'' ''He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed.''

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were. ''My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!'' said young Harry. ''Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!'' Tommy said. ''That's nothing!'' declared little Johnny. ''My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!''

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, ''Johnny. This is where you come from.'' Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as ''Lucky Johnny.'' ''Why?'' one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, ''Because I came this close to being a turd.''

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, ''Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?'' The kid says, ''Yeah.'' The cop says, ''Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.'' The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, ''By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?'' Humoring the kid, the cop says, ''Yeah, he sure did.'' The kid says, ''Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.''

What instrument do piggys play in a band?

Pigcussion!

What is a pigs favourite ballet?
Swine Lake!

What does a pig use to write his term
papers
with?
Pen and Oink!

What do you give a
sick pig?
Oinkment!

What do owls sing when it is raining ?
'Too
wet to woo' !

Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air
she gets
stuck!!!

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high
heels, she strikes
oil!

Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand
Canyon!