Newest jokes

My dog is great at math.
Really ?
Ask him
how much is two minus two.
But two minus two is nothing!

That's what he'll answer, nothing!

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control

officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch

control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.


The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We
were not
allowed to leave the ''capsule'' until relieved the next day,
and we
were supported by several on-site personnel in the support
building
upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a
small refrigerator
and a small microwave.

On one tour of duty,
the cook called down around lunch time and
informed us that she was
cleaning her oven and that hot food would be
unavailable for a
short time.

Later, around supper time, she called down again and
apologized that
she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having
trouble reassembling
it, and would again be unable to heat our food
orders. We were somewhat
annoyed, but, being the kinder, gent
ler military officers we were, told
her ''No problem. Just send
down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke'
them ourselves.''


Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she

whispered, ''You can DO that?'' :

Q: What's the difference between American and Serbian pilots?A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!

Did you hear about the horse that has made a

dozen films?
He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!

Q: What is a
bellybutton for?

A: It
gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

Q: Why
did the blonde give a blow job after
sex?

A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for

screwing?

A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change
shoes.

How do you catch a polar bear?Answer: First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.Sent by Ediie

First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.Second snake:Why?First snake:Because I bit my lip!

This is, like, so dumb...Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat's Urine 1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession. 2.Solemnly intone the word ''no'' every time the cat approaches the beaker. 3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.They are standing in front of the big silverback gorillas cage, when one woman makes agesture that the gorilla interprets as aninvitation. He grabs her yanks her over thefence and takes her to his nest in the pen.There he ravishhes her and makes passionatelove to her for about 2 hours till he istranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks'' Are you hurt?'' She replies. Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn'tcalled! He hasn't written!

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker barin the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, ''Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outsideto the parking meter?''A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his bodyhair growing out through the seams, turned slowly onhis stool, looked down at the quivering little manand said, ''It's my dog. Why?''''Well,'' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,''I believe my dog just killed it, sir.''''What?'' roared the big man in disbelief. ''What in thehell kind of dog do you have?''''Sir,'' answered the little man, ''It's a four week oldpuppy.''''Bull!'' roared the biker, ''How could your puppy kill myDoberman?''''It appears that he choked on it, sir.''

What's the chilliest ground in the
premiership?
Cold Trafford!

Why did the toad cross the road?TO Show his girlfriend he has GUTS!

Why can't girls play hockey?Because they have to change their pads every period!

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! ''Dad!'' says Johnny, ''What are you doing!'' Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says ''Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card''. ''Oh,''says Johnny and he leaves the room. Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! ''Ernie!'' cried Johnny, ''What are you doing!''. Ernie stops humping for a second and says, ''Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard. ''Oh'', says Johnny and he leaves the room. Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style! ''Johnny!'' his father said, ''I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?''Johnny replies, ''With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!''

How would you get four reindeer
in
a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!
And how do you get
four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first

What's the difference between a
reindeer
and a snowball?
They're both brown, except the snowball.

What do you call the
reindeer with
one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah!

What has antlers, pulls Father
Christmas' sleigh and is made
of cement?
I don't know.
A
reindeer!
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.