Newest jokes

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some.*A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.*Always look on the negative side, so you'll never be dissapointed.*Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.''Well,'' he said, ''I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ''the'' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.'' The young man makes his purchase and leaves.Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.The girl leans over and says, ''You never told me that you were such a religious person.''He leans over to her and says...''You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!''

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, ''Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.''The Jewish lady said, ''But your sign says that you have vacancies.'' The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, ''You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...''Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, ''I'll have you know, I converted to your religion.''The desk clerk said, ''Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.How was Jesus born?''Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ''He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.''''Very good,'' replied the hotel clerk. ''Tell me more.''Mrs. Rosenberg replied, ''He was born in a manger.''''That's right,'' said the hotel clerk. ''And why was he born in a manger?''Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, ''Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!''

Q: What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?A: A Lickalotapuss!

'I'm not going to school today,' Alexander
said to his mother.
'The teachers bully me and the boys in my class
don't like me.'
'Why ?'
'Firstly, you're 35 years old.
Secondly, you're the
principal.'

A school teacher injured his back and had to
wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it
under his shirt
and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of
the term, still
with the cast under his shirt, he found himself
assigned to the toughest
class in the school.

Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as
wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom
became a
bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.


While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his

tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as
the
class become more and more unmanageable.

Finally,
becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took
a big
stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several

places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

A patrol of allied soldiers were in a

ruined city during World War Two. They are bragging and joshing about

how many kills they have so far to keep up courage on their route

through the rubbled buildings.

Sergeant Joe thumps his chest and
proclaims. ''I got me 4 germans
bagged so far. Howabout you
John?''

Before Pfc John can reply, a lone german soldier runs out of a
trashed
hotel. In the process of throwing down his rifle after seeing
the
larger allied soldier group, he shouts ''NEIN!''

Pfc John
takes aim at the enemy and shoots him.

''Well, he wont get
himself a tenth allied soldier.'' Joe all year
long!

A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day
when a frog called
out to him and said, ''If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful
princess''. He bent over, picked up the frog and
put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, ''If you
kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with
you for one week.'' The
warrant officer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to his pocket.

The frog
then cried out, ''If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'' Again
the
warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back

into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, ''What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for
a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?''


The warrant officer said, ''Look I'm an warrant officer. I dont have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's
cool.''

At Parris Island, a sergeant was teaching a
private to
throw a grenade at a pracitice training course. He ran
about 10 yards away
to be safe, and yelled the instructions.
''Pull
the pin, throw and hit the dirt!''
The private proceeds to do so, and
throws the explosive directly at the
sergeant!
A few months
later, the sergeant meets the private in a group of men
killed in
battle. He goes up the the private- no hard feelings because
heaven is
well, great- and asks him how he 'bit the dust.'
Responds the
private: ''Well, i was caught in a ambush; these guys,''
He thumbs behind
him. ''got caught in the jeep under the fire. I managed
to make it
to a ditch where i yanked a grenade form my belt and pulled
the pin
and lever. The enemy runs away seeing it, so i put the grenade
back
onto my belt.''

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the
shower, and
realized that his clothes were missing. And then he
accidentally locked
himself out of the locker room. So now he was
completely naked in the halls
of the headquarters of the most powerful
military organization on the
planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous.
Getting an idea, he walked naked
and purposefully through the
corridors until he reached the Research &
Development laboratory. He walked
in and saluted the Head Scientist.

''I am here to report the
partial success of the personal invisibility
device!''

A stallion and a mare where due to get married,
but the stallion
didn't show up at the church.
He got colt
feet

What's the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil?The white one got away.

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a PolishMeatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, ''What a Pollack.''The Polish man said, ''I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter andasked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.''''Probably, '' replied the clerk.''And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs,would you also insult him?''''Probably,'' the clerk again replied.''Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody notlike you?''At this, the clerk replied, ''Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron.''

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.''Reach up there and find out.''She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, ''Oh, it's gruesome!''''Aye, it has,'' replied the Scotsman, ''and if you put your hand backup there, it'll grow some more!''

Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?A: They put parking meters on the roof!

What do you call a monster with a
wooden
head?
Edward.

What does a man consider to be a seven course

meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?Shine a torch in her ear!

Deep
within a forest a little
turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of
effort he reached the top,
jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the
ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again
while a couple
of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the
female bird turned to her mate. ''Dear,'' she chirped, ''I
think it's
time to tell him he's adopted.''

There once was a baby
elephant and
a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For
no
reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail,
really
hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up,
is by the same
river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when
the same turtle that
bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders
up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the
turtle as hard as he can,
sending him flying way off into the jungle.
''Why did you do that?'' the
giraffe asks. ''When we both were babies,
that turtle bit my tail for
no reason,'' the elephant replied. ''Wow!
You must have a good memory!''
exclaimed the giraffe.

''Yep!''
said the elephant. ''I've got Turtle-Recall.''