Newest jokes

Why do dogs turn around three
times before
lying down?
One good turn deserves another.

Why does a d dog scratch himself?
He is the
only one that knows where it itches.

Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for
a
grape?
He was colour-blind.

Why did the dog run in circles?
He was a
watchdog and needed winding.

Why does a man only get half-hour
lunch-breaks?
So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.

Where's the safest place to
hide money from a
man?
Under the soap

When do men insist that women are
illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.

How do you confuse a man?
You don't - they're
born that way.

How can you tell if a man is cheating on
you?
He has a bath more than once a month.

Miracle Bra Alternative A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. ''If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.'' Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. ''How long will this take?'' she asks. ''They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years,'' he replies. The wife stops. ''Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?'' she asks. The husband shrugs. ''Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?''

Feminist's Fairytale!! Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, ''I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.'' That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, ''I don't think so.''

What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies? Clitty litter.

I wouldn't say
Christmas gnomes are
ugly,
But if beauty's skin deep then they were was born inside
out!

I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are
small.
But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!

My problem is that I
keep stealing
things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me
something for
it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and
bring
me a new video camera.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seven...one to mix the batter and six to peel the M&Ms.

How do you know when a blonde has been working on your computer?There's white out on the screen and lipstick on the joystick!

Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read 'DisneyLand Left.' So they went home.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? That's the proper place to wash vegetables.

A blond and a brunette are on an elevator, suddenly a good lookinghandsome man gets on. So then the brunette turns to the blond and says, ''Wow'', he is sogood looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off''.''I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders!'' said thebrunette. All of a sudden the blond turned to the brunette with a confusedlook and said, ''Ok, but how do you give shoulders?''