Newest jokes

How did the woman feel when she got run
over by a
car?
Tired.

A passenger train is creeping along,
slowly. Finally it creaks to a
halt. A passenger sees a conductor
walking by outside.

''What's going on?'' she yells out the
window.

''Cow on the track!'' replies the conductor.

Ten minutes
later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes,
however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk
again.

She leans out the window and yells, ''What happened? Did we catch
up
with the cow again?''

A motorist ran into a shop.
''Do you
own a black and white cat?'' he asked. ''No,'' replied the
manager.
''Oh dear,'' said the motorist, ''I must have run over a
nun.''

My sister's a really bad driver.

What makes you say that?
Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts
a glass panel in the floor
so that she can see who she's run
over.

Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy?Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar.Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a

Christmas bell!
Just take these pills - and, if they don't work,
give me a ring!

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the
Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !

Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas
party ?
It was a scream !

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party
?
Fancy a bite ?

Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car?A: Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.

That Scottish couple finally worked out a solution to the eternallove triangle.They ate the sheep.

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at thesame time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boyreceives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boysare showing each other what they got. They each liked what theother one got, so, they traded.That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees himlooking at the watch. ''Where did you getta thatta watch?'' asks theman. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The fatherblows his top. ''Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!''''Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe sommaday you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed withanother man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch andsay, `How longa you gonna be?'''

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. ''What part?'' the mother asked.''I play a Jewish husband,'' the boy replied. ''Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!''

Q. What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common? A. Someone's going to lose their trailer...

What do you do when two snails have a

fight?
Leave them to slug it out.

How do snails get their shells all
shiny?
They use snail polish.

What gas do snails prefer?

Shell.

A snail starts a slow climb up the

trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help
laughing
and eventually says ''Don't you know there aren't any apples
on the
tree yet?'' ''Yes,'' said the snail, ''but there will be by the
time I
get up there.''

How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?
Dump
him.

Why do men act like idiots?
Who says they're
acting?