Newest jokes

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph:
Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do
with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, ''School Ahead, Go
Slow!''

A family was having dinner on
Mother's
Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the
husband asked
what was wrong.
''Nothing,'' said the woman.
Not
buying it, he asked again. ''Seriously, what's wrong?''
''Do you really
want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
and cleaned and fed
the kids for 15 years and on Mother's
Day, you don't even tell me
so much as ''Thank you.''
''Why should I?'' he said. ''Not once in 15
years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift.''
''Yes,'' she said, ''but I'm
their real mother.''

''Will the father be present during the

birth?''
asked the obstetrician.
''Nah,'' replied the
mother-to-be,
''He and my husband don't get along.''

A
child at a Christian school was
studying the early days of Mormonism in
his class. He wrote on his
paper,
''The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is

called
polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is
called
monotony''

A woman entered the hospital to deliver

her 15th child. ''Congratulations,''
said the nurse, ''but don't you
think this is enough?'' The woman
replied,
''Are you kidding? This
is the only vacation I get each year.''

''I was in a very generous mood today,'' a
woman says to
her friend.
''I gave a poor beggar $25.''
''Thats a
lot of money to give away,'' says her friend. ''What did your
husband
say?''
''He said, 'Thank you'. ''

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say ''Hi there little boy!!''One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: ''well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!''The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, ''HI THERE LADIES!

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so wellduring the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they givehim an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principalagrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about theoral test.First the teacher asks, ''Johnny what does a cow have four of, that Ionly have two of?''Johnny replies, ''Legs.''So the teacher asks, ''Johnny, what do you have in your pants that Idon't have in my pants?''''Pockets,'' Johnny replies.Finally the teacher asks, ''And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?''''Rome,'' is his answer.With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks,''Well, shall we pass him?''''Better not ask me,'' the principal says, ''I got the first two wrong!''

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, ''Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?''His father says, ''Son, I'm filling your mother's tank.''Johnny says, ''Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.''

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says ''See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?''Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. ''Very good Sally,'' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. ''See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?'' Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. ''Very good Billy,'' the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.''See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?''Still no one guesses. ''Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.''Johnny shouts out ''I know what it is, it's a horny bastard.''

What do a moped and a blonde have in common? They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

How do you confuse a blond?You don't, they're born that way.

What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you?Pull the pin and throw it back.

How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How did the blond break her leg while raking leaves?She fell out of the treesent by Chris

What do you call a pig in a steel foundry?
A
pig pig.

What do you call a crafty pig?
CunningHam

What do you call a lady pig planting seeds?
A
sow sow.

What do pigs drive?
Pig-up trucks!

What do pigs like with chow mein?
Sooey
sauce.