Newest jokes

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many
American Servicemen marry
women in the countries where they're
stationed. Contrary to popular
belief, loneliness had nothing to do
with it. Once the men rotated back to
the US, all their in-laws were
thousands of miles away.

What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos weredone?I knew some day my prints would come!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.He asked her, ''Do you know what I'm doing?'' ''Yes,'' she replied, ''you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.''''That is right,'' said the doctor.He then began to fondle her breasts.''Do you know what I'm doing now?'' he asked.''Yes,'' the woman said, ''you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.''''Correct,'' replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.He asked, ''Do you know what I'm doing now?''''Yes,'' she said. ''You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!''

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, ''It's dark in here, isn't it?''''Yes it is.'' the man replies.''You wanna buy a baseball?'' the little boy asks.''No thanks.'' the man replies.''I think you do want to buy a baseball'' the little extortionist continues.''Okay. How much?'' the man replies, after considering the position he is in. ''Twenty-five dollars.'' the little boy replies.''Twenty-five dollars!'' the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.''It's dark in here, isn't it?'' the boy starts off.''Yes it is.'' replies the man.''Wanna buy a baseball glove?'' the little boy asks.''Okay. How much this time!'' the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.''Fifty dollars.'' the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy's father says ''Hey, son. Go get yourball and glove and we'll play some catch.''''I can't. I sold them'' replies the little boy.''How much did you get for them?'' asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.''Seventy-five dollars.'' the little boy says.''Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness.'' the father explains, as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says ''It's dark in here, isn't it?''The priest says...''Don't you start that crap in here now!''

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, ''Lie to me, lie to me!''

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.The celery was like ''Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!''Then the carrot was like ''You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!''Then the dick said ''Ya, well I got it the worst.They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!''

How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land

safely ?
With it's sparrowchute !

What is green and pecks on trees ?
Woody Wood
Pickle !

Where do birds meet for coffee ?
In a
nest-cafe !

How do you get a cut-price parrot ?
Plant
bird seed !

What should a teacher take if
he's
run down?
The number of the car that hit him.

If you watch the way that many motorists

drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous
part
of a car is the nut behind the wheel.

Why did the car judder to a stop when it
saw a
ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown.

What
happens when a frog's car
breaks down?
It gets toad away..

Two wizards in a car
were driving
along and the police were chasing them for speeding.
One said, ''What
are we going to do?''
The other replied, ''Quick, turn the car into a
side street.''

What do pigs do on nice afternoons?
They go on
pignics.

What do piggys take when they are sick?

Pigicillin!

What do little pigs want to be when they grow up?

Garbage collectors.

What do hip pigs call their ladies?
Fine
swine.

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's Factory?She threw away all the w's.Sent by Chris