Newest jokes

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto
the
pitch?
He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football
teams?
They egg them on!

What lights up a football stadium?
A football
match!

|A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.''You'll get your chance in court.'' said the Desk Sergeant.''No, no no!'' said the man. ''I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!''

|Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.He said ''It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.''''Donations!'' I said, ''How much you got so far?''He said ''about ten gallons.''

|A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.''But officer,'' the man began, ''I can explain.''''Just be quiet,'' snapped the officer. ''I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.''''But, officer, I just wanted to say,'' ''And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!''A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.''''Don't count on it,'' answered the fellow in the cell. ''I'm the groom.''

|A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guy's window and says, ''Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.''The man says, ''Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.''''Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.'' ''I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.''''Well, then we need a urine sample.''''I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.''''Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.''''I can't do that, officer.''''Why not?''''Because I'm too drunk to do that!''

Why was 6 afraid of 7?Because 7 8 9!

The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in adrive-in movie???They went to see ''Closed For the Winter''!

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say '' Wanna ''.I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said, ''I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say ''How ''He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said...''ME KNOW HOW...ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!''

Q: What
did the leper say to the
hooker?

A: Keep the tip.

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his

girlfriend. ''Every time we make love,'' she said, ''I get splinters.''
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for
advice.
''Sandpaper,'' said the carpenter. ''That's what you need.'' So

Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks
later the
carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. ''How are you
getting on with the
girls now?'' he asked. ''Who needs girls?'' said
Pinocchio.

A woman
went to the doctor and complained
that she was suffering from I knee
pains. ''Do you indulge in any
activity that puts a lot of pressure on
your knees?'' asked the doctor.
''Every night, my husband and I have sex
on the floor doggy style.''
''I see,'' said the doctor. ''You know,
there are plenty of other
sexual positions?'' ''Not if you want to watch
TV there ain't!''

A truck driver was going down a steep incline

when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple
having sex
in the middle of the road. Five times on his descent he
sounded his
horn, but they didn't move. He finally brought the truck'
to a halt
inches from them. The truck driver got out and stormed:
''What the hell's
the matter with you two?.Didn't you hear me? You
could have been
killed!'' The man replied nonchalantly: ''Listen, I
was coming, she was
coming, and you were coming. You were the only
one with brakes.''

A male market researcher was calling on homes on

behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door.''Do you use
Vaseline?''
asked the researcher. ''Certainly,'' she said. ''It's very good for

cuts, grazes and burns.'' ''And what about anything else?'' he asked.

''Like what?'' He became embarrassed. ''Well, sex, maybe.'' Oh, of

course.'' she said. ''I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my
husband
out.''

NOVICE: Do clever men make good
husbands?

SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

Married life
is very frustrating. In the
first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and
the
man listens. In the
third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.

Moe: My wife converted me to
religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in
hell.

The couple was dining out when the wife

noticed a familiar face at the
bar. ''Elliot,'' she said, pointing ''do
you see that man downing
bourbon at
the bar?''
The husband
looked over and nodded. ''Well,'' the woman continued,
''he's
been
drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!''
The
husband returned to his meal. ''Nonsense,'' he said, ''even that's
not

worth so much celebrating!''