Newest jokes

Yo mama is so ugly the government
moved
halloween to her birthday.

yo mama so fat that when she puts on her

yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!

Yo
mamma is so fat when a bus hit her she
said who threw the pebble.

Wife: Who
was that on the
phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather
bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the
woman's home,
when
all of a sudden, they hear the front door
open and close.
''Oh, no, it's my husband!''
The man says, ''Where's
your back door?''
''We don't have a back door'' says the woman.
The
man then asks, ''Well, where do you want a back door?''

A woman got a problem with her closet door -
it was
felling every time a
bus was passing by. So she called a
repair man. The repairman comes and
sees that indeed, the door
falls out every time when a bus passes by.
''OK, I am gonna see what is
going on, just close the door behind me''
and
he stepps into the
closet. At that time the husband comes from work,
opens the closet
and finds the repairman.
Husband: ''What the hell are you doing
here!''
Repairman:''Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am
waiting for
a
bus!''

Miles Dobson was away from home on business

in another city. When he
called home, his wife told him, ''Miles,
they had your name in the
obits
today.''
''What! In the
obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad
journalism. I'll
sue 'em.''
''Tell me, Miles,'' his wife asked tremulously,
''wh...wh...where are
you
calling from?''

Sports fad
invented by pigs:
Mud
wrestling.

Pig's explanation for the creation of the

Universe:
The Pig Bang Theory.

SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three

candles for your party?
PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one
candle.

Pigs don't look very smart to me.
Sure, they
are. You ever see a sow try to make a silk purse out of a
farmer's
ear?

Name the pig's
favorite Shakespeare play.

Hamlet.

A New York boy was being led through the swamps ofLouisiana by his cousin. ''Is it true that an alligator won'tattack you if you carry a flashlight?''The cousin smirked and replied, ''Depends on how fast yacarry the flashlight.''

A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & aroundhis head.The druggist says ''May I help you?'' The blind man replies ''No thank you, I'm just lookingaround.''

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?''Dam''.

Where do you find a no legged dog?Right where you left him.

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentlessworld-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,''Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificatesfiled and since both you and your wife were unconscious,I named them for you.''The husband was thinking to himself, ''Oh no, what has hedone now?'' and said with trepidation,''Well what did you name them?''The brother replied, ''I named the little girl Denise.''The husband, relieved, said, ''That's a very pretty name!What did you come up with for my son?''The brother replied, ''Denephew.''

What car do insects drive?
A
Volkswagen automobile.

Who held the baby octopus to ransom ?

Squidnappers !

How does an octopus go to war ?

Well-armed !