Newest jokes

My dad is stupid.
He thinks a fjord
is a Norwegian motor car.

How do you stop a dog howling in the
back of a car?
Put him in the front.

Auntie Maud bought herself a new
rear-engine European car. She took an
old friend for a drive, but after
only half a mile the car broke down.
Both women got out and opened up
the front of the car.
''Oh. Maud,'' said her friend, ''you've lost
your engine!''
''Never mind, dear,'' said auntie. ''I've got a spare one
in the
trunk.''

What do you get if
you cross a Rolls
Royce with a vampire?
A monster that attacks expensive cars and
sucks out their gas
tanks.

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

His breath stunk of
alcohol and his face was plastered with
lipstick. ''I assume,'' she
barked, ''there is a very good reason for you to
come drifting in
at six o'clock in the morning?''
''There is!'' he
replied, ''Breakfast.''

Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, ''Man... ou think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?''

why do women have legs?have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??

''Doctor, doctor!'' shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. ''Ithink I'm turning into a man'' then the doctor says, '' Now hold onlittle lady what makes you think that you're turning into a man?'' ''Well'' said the woman ''I'm starting to grow hair on my chest'' and thenthe doctor asked, '' Well then, how far down your chest is your hairgrowing? '' and then she replied, ''All the way down to my dick''.

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, ''Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, ''No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now.''So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, ''Willyou please make a sound like a frog?'' Grandpa again says, ''No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.''Then the third little boy comes out and says, ''Grandpa, oh please... Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?''''Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?'' Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, ''Well, Mom said that whenyou croak we get to go to Disney World!''

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home fromschool. Danny says ''I won't be going to school tomorrow.'' ''Why not?'' asks Joey. ''I have to go to the hospital,'' says Danny woefully. ''That's awful,'' says Joey. ''Why do you have to go there? Are yousick?'' Danny shakes his head and replies, ''I have to have a circumcision.'' Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror acrosshis face, ''That's Horrible!'' he cries, ''Why, I had that done when I wasborn, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!''

Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when
suddenly
through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope
round his
neck. Frankenstein said, ''Monster, monster, what are you
doing here?''
The monster said, ''Well, boss, they hanged me this
morning so now I've
come to meet my maker.''

What happened to Frankenstein's monster on

the road?
He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled
for six
months.

What do you call a very rude
bird ?
A
mockingbird !

When is the best time to buy budgies ?
When
they're going cheap !

Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died.The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female.''No! I'm not doing it anymore!'' says the farmer. ''And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

A Blonde A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.'' She then wrote a note saying, ''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?''

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''shut up...you're next!''

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.