Newest jokes

Why did the jellyfish's wife leave
him?
He stung her into action.

What place of business helps dogs who have lost
their tails?
A retail store.

What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound
dog
in your kitchen?
Eat out.

What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet?
A thousand
dogs.

What happened when the shaggy dog
swallowed a
teaspoon?
He wasn't able to stir.

What happened to the dog that fell into a

lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.

Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen
appliance
that lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage
compactor.

MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in
school
today?
FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!

THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!
MOTHER PIG: What?
THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking
a foreign language.

Is it true the pigs went over
Niagara Falls in
a barrel?
No, that story's just a lot of hogwash.

Is lunch the favorite
subject of piglets?

No, it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.

|Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place''.

|A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.The cop approaches the car and says, ''It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.''The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, ''My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!''

|A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, ''Let's get off the corner people.''A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, ''Let's get off that corner... NOW!''Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, ''Well, how did I do?''Pretty good,'' chuckled the vet, ''especially since this is a bus stop.''

|The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: ''Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!''

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ?

A headbanger !

What birds spend all their time on their knees ?

Birds of prey !

What is a polygon ?
A dead parrot !

What's brown and white and flies all
over?
Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!

What do you get if you
cross a nun and a
chicken?
A pecking order.

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes ashot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, ''I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.''The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey --throws his glass on the floor and says, ''I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine.''The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says...''I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!''