Newest jokes

The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundredsof people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.He's saying, ''You're all in my power...you're all in my power..''Fifteen hundred people are going, ''Oooo...''He starts to say it again, ''You're all in my...'', when heaccidentally drops the watch.He says, ''Shit.''It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.

What's the difference between a teacher

and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind, the other
minds the train.

Why did the stupid racing car driver
make ten pit stops
during the Grand Prix?
He was asking for
directions.

What do you call a witch who
drives
really badly?
A road hag.

ur
mama is sooo fat, she sat on a dollar
and made 4 quarters pop out.

UR
MOMA IS SO HAIRY THAT HARRY POTTER GOT
JEALOUS.

YO momma so fat that they had to install

speed bumps at all you can eat buffet

yo mama so fat she has seat belts
on the
chairs to keep her fat from rolling off!!!!!!!!!

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe hashunted all his life.When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry tosit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears ablood-curdling scream.He rushes back to Jerry and yells, ''I thought I told you to bequiet!''Jerry says, ''Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawledover me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing downmy neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawledup my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat themhere?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!''

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,''Gotany fresh fruit?''''No.''''Got any fresh vegetables?''''No. We have only canned and dry goods.''The next day, the duck returns.''Got any fresh fruit?''''No.''''Got any fresh vegetables?''''No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor.''On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,''Got any nails?''''No.''''Got any fresh fruit?''

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? ''Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

At the Doctor's... -A young woman said to her doctor, ''You have to help me, I hurt all over.'' ''What do you mean?'' said the doctor. -The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, ''Ow, that hurts.'' -Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ''Ouch! That hurts, too.'' -Then she touched her right earlobe. ''Ow, even THAT hurts.'' The doctor asked the woman, ''Are you a natural blonde?'' -''Why yes,'' she said. ''I thought so,'' said the doctor. ''You have a sprained finger.''

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?You can unscrew a light bulb!

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... ''I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!''

''Do you have any batteries?'' a woman asks the hardware store clerk. ''Yes, m'am.'' The clerk gestures with his finger. ''Can you come this way?'' ''If I could come that way,'' the woman says, ''I wouldn't need the batteries.''

What happened to the cold jellyfish ?

It set !

What do you call a neurotic octopus?

A crazy, mixed-up squid.

What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of

raspberry and lives in the seas?
A red jellyfish.