Newest jokes

How does a pig write home?
With a pig pen.

The first
woman recruit in the Army
reported for duty and was told that although her
quarters would be in a
separate building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn't
until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant
to eat her
meals with them.

This Marine drill instructor, completely

frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of

swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he

noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks.


''WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??'' the drill sergeant hollered.

In
a quivering voice, the recruit replied, ''I said, to myself, Drill

Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take

his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of

character.

During a visit to a military medical clinic,

I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was

friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he
was due
to leave the service in two months.

As he applied
the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the
blood wouldn't
hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me
what my
husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the
technician smiled slyly and
said, ''This might hurt a little more than I
thought.''

Following some duty overseas, the officers

at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the
unit.
Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds
from some
of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called
Vassar and
was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to
send over a
dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The
Captain hesitated, then said, ''Would it also be possible to send a

dozen or so of the other kind?''

Where do spiders play their FA Cup

final?
Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the
captain?
The team's kipper!

Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What
for?
Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold
when
they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

|Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ''Happy Hour'' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''Indignantly, the man said, ''Why? Don't ye believe me?!''

One of the bachelors in the
apartment
development sneaked up
behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his
hands, and said,
''I'm
going to kiss you if you can't tell me
who I am in three guesses.''
She quickly answered, ''George Washington!
Thomas Jefferson!
Abraham Lincoln!''

The young immigrant couple had just left the

courthouse after being sworn
in as American citizens.
''It is
wonderful,'' the husband exclaimed. ''We are American citizens
at

last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?''
''Yes, you
male chauvinist pig,'' his wife replied. ''Tonight, you cook

dinner!''

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state,really bad now.Doctor: ''What happened to you?''He says: ''I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!''Doctor: ''But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow andcouldn't cause that much damage!''He says ''Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!''

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep hercompany at home.She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; itwouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be funto hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediatelyspotted a large beautiful parrot.She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare lookingand beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.The owner looked at her and said, ''Look, I should tell you firstthat this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it sayspretty vulgar stuff.''The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have thebird. She said she would buy it anyway.The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for itto say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,and said, ''New house, new madam.''The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thoughtthat's not so bad.A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returnedfrom school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them andsaid, ''New house, new madam, new whores.''The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but thanbegan to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, thewoman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him andsaid, ''New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!''

Who rode a dog and was a confederate general

during the American Civil War ?
Robert E Flea !

Two fleas where running across the top of a
cereal
packet ?
''Why are we running so fast ?'' said one
Because
it says ''Tear along the dotted line''

What did one flea say
to the other after a
night out ?
Shall we walk home or take a dog ?

What is a flea's favourite book ?
The
itch-hikers guide to the galaxy !

What is the most faithful
insect ?
A
flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them !

A guy says to a salesgirl, ''I want to buy some toilet paper.''She says, ''What color?''He says, ''Just give me white. I'll color it myself.''