Newest jokes

What does an octopus wear on a cold
day?
A coat of arms!

What's wet and wiggly and says how do
you do sixteen
times?
Two octopuses shaking hands.

What does an octopus take on a camping

trip?
Tentacles!

What does a squid sheriff form?
An
octoposse!

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond
ring for
Christmas.
A friend of his said, ''I thought she wanted
one of those sporty
4-Wheel drive vehicles.''
''She did,'' he
replied. ''But where in the hell was I gonna find
a fake Jeep?''

A young lady came home and told her Mother
that her
boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down
because she found
out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or
Hell.
''Marry him anyway, dear.'' the Mother said. ''Between the
two
of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is.''

A man was complaining to a
friend.
''I
had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a

beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!''
''What happened?'' asked the
friend.
''My wife found out.''

''Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a

wife like me?''
she said looking lovingly into her husbands
eyes.
''I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again.''

A man
answers the phone and has the
following conversation:
''Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has
been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is
hard.
Well, you know how she is.
''Yes, I remember you warned me. I
remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my
life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
''You were
perfectly right.
''You want to speak with her? All right.'' He looks up
from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

''Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!''

A sailor in the Navy who had been at
sea
for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so

he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due

back in port: ''I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make
love
to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I
want you
to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the
back so we
can do ''it'' as soon as I step ashore.''

The young
lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply:
''I
will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be

the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D.

cards.''

Two men were boasting to each other about
their
old army days.

''Why, my outfit was so well drilled,''
declared one, ''that when they
presented arms all you could hear was
slap, slap, click.''

''Very good,'' conceded the other, ''but when my
company presented arms
you'd just hear slap, slap,
jingle.''

''What was the jingle?'' asked the first. ''Oh,'' replied the other

offhand, ''just our medals.''

The chief of staff of the US Air
Force
decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting
crisis
affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force

base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be

invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new
F-15 Fighter, a pair
of twin brothers who looked like they had just
stepped off a Marine
Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The
chief of staff walked up to
them, stuck out his hand and introduced
himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, ''Son, what
skills can you
bring to the Air Force?''

The young man looks
at him and says, ''I'm a pilot!''

The general gets all excited,
turns to his aide and says, ''Get him in
today, all the paper work
done, everything, do it!''

The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second
young man and asked, ''What s
kills to you bring to the Air Force?''

The young man says, ''I
chop wood!''

''Son,'' the general replies, ''we don't need wood
choppers in the Air
Force, what do you know how to do?''

''I
chop wood!''

''Young man,'' huffs the general, ''you are not listening
to me, we
don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!''


''Well,'' the young man says, ''you hired my brother!''

''Of
course we did,'' says the general, ''he's a pilot!''

The young man
rolls his eyes and says, ''So what! I have to chop it
before he can
pile it!''

The General went out to find that none of his

G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.


''Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little

late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down,

found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and
now
I'm here.''

The General was very skeptical about this
explanation but at least he
was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments
later, eight more G.I.s came up
to the general panting, he asked
them why they were late.

''Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a
little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but it
broke down, found a farm, bought a
horse but it dropped dead, ran 10
miles, and now I'm here.''

The General eyed them, feeling very
skeptical but since he let the
first guy go, he let them go, too. A
ninth G.I. jogged up to the General,
panting heavily.


''Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus

but missed it, I hailed a cab but...''

''Let me guess,'' the
General interrupted, ''it broke down.''

''No,'' said the G.I.,
''there were so many dead horses in the road, it
took forever to get
around them.''

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked
the
Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says ''Are you
crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you
already want a 3-day
pass? You must do something spectacular for that
recognition!''


So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The
CO was so impressed, he asked ''How did you do it?''

''Well, I
jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.
I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up,
the
Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, ''Do
you
want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!''

How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built

his monster?
On a piece rate.

How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?

Bolt upright.

What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the
other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.

How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his
feathers are combed over to one side.

Late one night, a burglar
broke into a house
he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but
suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say:
''Jesus is watching you!''

Silence returned to the house, so the
burglar crept forward again.

''Jesus is watching you,'' the voice
boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:
''Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?''

''Yes'', said the
parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the
parrot: ''What's
your name?''

''Clarence,'' said the bird.


''That's a dumb name for a parrot,'' sneered the burglar. ''What idiot

named you Clarence?''

The parrot said, ''The same idiot who
named the Rottweiller
Jesus.''

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To
get to the chick across the street!