Newest jokes

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, ''cough drops'' and snickered.Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, ''What are you doing here, m'am?''The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, ''Well, I can suck em can't I?''

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.''It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!'' said the boy.''Oh, shit!'' said the farmer. ''You've shot the wife!''

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

''Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.

Better go tell him and send him in to see me.''

So the
Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the
troops.
''Listen up, men,'' says the Sergeant. ''Johnson, report to the
mess hall
for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The
rest of
you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way,

Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.''

Later that day
the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. ''Hey,
Sarge, that
was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn't
you be a bit more tactful, next time?''

''Yes, sir,'' answered the
Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in
again with,
''Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's
mother died. You'd
better go tell him and send him in to see me
. This time be more
tactful.''

So the Sergeant calls for
his morning formation. ''Ok, men, fall in and
listen up.'' ''Everybody
with a mother, take two steps forward.'' ''Not
so fast, McGrath!''

An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths
of
Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However,
he was
not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle
the vendor
down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting
''I don't give
two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my
own!''
The shopkeeper replied, ''By all means. Just watch out for the
two
Marines who are doing the same.
''So the Ranger went out into
the Bayou, and after a while saw two men
with spears, standing
still in the water. ''They must be the two
Marines,'' he thought. Just at
that point he noticed an alligator moving in
the water towards one
of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even
as the gator
came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow
him, the
Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up
onto the
beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw
nthe gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed ''Damn! This one

doesn't have any shoes either!''

Having just moved
into his new office, a
pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk
when a PFC knocked on
the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked
up the phone,
told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone,
''Yes, General, I'll
be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along
your message. In the
meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir.''
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressedthe young enlisted
man,
he asked, ''What do you want?''
''Nothing important, sir,'' the
PFC replied, ''I'm just here to hook
up your telephone.''

Q: Why did the turkey cross
the road?
A: To
prove he wasn't chicken.

Q: What is a crowbar?
A: A place were crows go
to get a drink!

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. ''This is a talking dog,'' hesaid. ''And you can have him for five dollars.'' The neighbour said, ''Who doyou think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no suchanimal.''Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. ''Please buy me, Sir,'' hepleaded. ''This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog inAmerica. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated tentimes.''''Hey!'' said the neighbour. ''He can talk. Why do you want to sell him forjust five dollars?'' ''Because,'' said the seller, ''I'm getting tired of allhis lies.''

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign sayingDANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed aharmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.He asked the store manager, ''Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to bewareof?''''Yep, that's him,'' he replied.The stranger couldn't help but be amused. ''That certainly doesn't look likea dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?''''Because'', the owner replied, ''before I posted that sign, people kepttripping over him.''

You know why a dog licks his ass?Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

''What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine,'' the society matron asked the zookeeper.''The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick.''This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, ''Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size.''

What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by
684?
The wrong answer.

What did the dog do with the history
professor?
They got together and talked over old times.

How do you keep a dog from barking in your

front yard?
Put him in your back yard.

What did the dog do when the panhandler
put
the bite on him?
Bit him, naturally.

Politically Correct Feminine Terminology from aperreat@saunix.sau.edu: Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that youwould offend the person standing near you?...NOT. Well, if you are, thenhere are some alternatives to some popular phrases.I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.She is not: An airheadShe is: Reality ImpairedShe is not: A Bleached BlondShe is: Peroxide DependantShe is not: A babe or chickShe is: A Breasted AmericanShe does not have: Major league hootersShe is: Pectorally SuperiorShe does not have: A Great TanShe is: Pigmentally EnhancedYou do not want to: Score or pick her upYou want to: Attempt a Horizontal EncounterShe is not: A perfect 10She is: Numerically SuperiorShe does not have: A great buttShe has: A Superior PosteriorIf she does not want to get: Married or hitchedShe does not want: Domestic IncarcerationShe is not: Half nakedShe is: Wardrobe ImpairedShe does not have: A perfect bodyShe is: Anatomically GiftedShe is not: Drunk or tipsyShe is: Chemically InconveniencedShe is not: Small or shortShe is: Vertically Challenged

|Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. ''What are those knives doing in your car?'' asked the officer. ''I juggle them in my act.'' ''Oh yeah?'' says the cop. ''Let's see you do it.'' So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, ''Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!''

YO MAMA IS SO
FAT WHEN YOU GO AROUND HER
YOU GET LOST!

Yo mama so stupid she stole
free
bread.

Where do you find a down-and-out
octopus ?
On squid row !