Newest jokes

Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles

home.
Ghost: Why don't you take a train.
Monster: I did once,
but my mother made me give it back.

Why do you have to wait so long for a

ghost train to come along?
They only run a skeleton service.

Where do ghost trains stop?
At devil
crossings.

Why do they always lock the bathroom doors at gas stations?Are they afraid someone might clean them!?

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.Little Mary says: ''My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail.''Little Jack says: ''My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better.''All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.Teacher says: ''Johnny, what does your Dad do ?''Johnny says: ''My Dad is dead.''''I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?''''He turned blue and shat on the carpet.''

Once when Mary was young her school had a halloween party for themmary decided to go as a pirate after she had donned her costume shewent into the family room to show her family they were impressed.Mom said you look terrific mary you have your sabre,and your parrot onyour shoulder,and look you even have a neat sack to carry your booty,butwhere are your buccaneers?Says Mary, my buccaneers are under my buccanhat!

Q. Why do men like love at first site?
A. It
saves them a lot of time.

Q. What do you
call a woman who knows where
her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

|A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says ''Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.''The woman answered ''Well, I have contacts.''The policeman replied ''I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!''

|A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, ''So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.Just look at our cars.There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.This must be a sign from God!''Pointing to the sky, he continues, ''God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.''The priest replies, ''I agree with you completely.This must surely be a sign from God!''The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, ''And look at this!Here's another miracle!My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.''The priest nods in agreement.The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.The priest, baffled, asks, ''Aren't you having any, Rabbi?''The rabbi replies, ''Nah... I think I'll wait for the police.''

|A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. '' Oy Morris '', said grandma, '' You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? '' Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, '' I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home.''

|A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: ''I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?'' The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: ''Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.'' A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: ''You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.'' The prisoner wrote another letter: ''Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!''

|Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said ''Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!''''Don't worry, Bubba,'' Earl said. ''We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.''''What fer?'', asked Bubba.''Just let me do the talkin', OK?,'' said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, ''You boys been drinkin'?''''No, sir,'' said Earl while pointing at the labels. ''We're on the patch.''

Did you hear about the man who was half Jewish & half Italian?He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

What bird has wings but cannot
fly
?
Roast turkey !

What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell

tall stories ?
A shaggy dogs tale !

Why did the dog have a gleam in his
eye?
Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

Why do dogs
run in circles ?
Because its
hard to run in squares !

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, ''Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?''The barber says, ''Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?''The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.The barber says, ''What are you doing?''Cronin says, ''Well, fuck, I'm leaving now.''

The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father, ''I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth.''Mr. Jones cries, ''My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?''The doctor says, ''Use it as a rake?''