Newest jokes

The teacher came up with a good problem.

''Suppose,'' she asked the second-graders, ''there were a dozen sheep and
six
of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?''
''None,''
answered little Norman.
''None? Norman, you don't know your
arithmetic.''
''Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all

go!''

How did the dog make anti-freeze?
He stole her
blanket.

How did the dog make gold soup?
He put in 24
carrots.

How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry

about having soap flakes for breakfast?
He foamed at the mouth.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV
sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites
attract.

Why do
bees have sticky hair ?
Beacuse
of the honey combs !

Where do bees go on holiday ?
Stingapore
!

If they made a movie starring the Loch

Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the
movie
be called?
Loch Jaws.

How do you shoot a great white shark?

Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue

shark spear gun!

What is the most famous
shark?
William Sharkspeare!

What do you call rubber bumpers on
yachts?
Shark absorbers!

Did you hear about the new shark food
restaurant
called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat
there!

What's long and hard that a Greek bride gets on her wedding night?A new last name.

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for

departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the

truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding
tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving,

and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the

tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his
slowness and promised
punishment, the Airman responded: ''Sir, I have
no stripes, it is 20 below
zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I
am pumping sewage out of
airplanes. Just what are you going to do
to punish me?''

During training exercises, the lieutenant who
was
driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in
the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. ''Your jeep stuck,
sir?'' asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside ''Nope,'' replied the
colonel,
coming over and handing him the keys ''Yours is.''

Officer: Soldier, do
you have change for
a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to
address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier, do you have
change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

Q: What's the difference between God and
fighter
pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his

money and his best friend, he
got so depressed that his doctor
sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his
troubles and said, ''Life isn't worth
living.
I think I'm gonna top
myself.''
''Don't be stupid, Joe,'' said the psychiatrist. ''My wife ran
off and
left
me too, yet I'm happy.''
''How?'' asked
Joe.
''Easy,'' replied the quack. ''I threw myself into my work. I totally

submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what

work
do you do?''
''I clean out septic tanks.'' Joe replied.