Newest jokes

This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly. Going up to the kid, he said,''That's a nice fire engine you got there, but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's neck.'' ''Yeah,'' the kid replied.''But I wouldn't have a siren.''

Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?A: It seats 500.

What brings the monster's babies? The

Frankenstork.

''Get this.'' said the bloke to his mates,

''Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke
into my house.
''Did he get anything.'' his mates asked.
''yeah, a
broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was
me
coming home drunk.''

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the

long lines, surly clerks, and
insane regulations at the
department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for
my son. I brought my selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash
register. ''Cash or charge?'' the clerk
asked.

''Cash,'' I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
''I've spent the
afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.''

''Shall I giftwrap the bat?''
the clerk asked sweetly. ''Or are you
going
back there?''

One day a guy was driving with his
4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and
looked at him for an explanation.
He said, ''I did that by
accident.''
She replied, ''I know that, daddy.''
He replied, ''How'd you
know?''
The girl said, ''Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!'
afterwards!''

What do you say to a
one legged
hitch-hiker?

Hop in.

Two cab drivers met.
''Hey,'' asked
one, ''what's the idea of painting one side of your cab
red
and
the other side blue?''
''Well,'' the other responded, ''when I get into an
accident, you
should see
how all the witnesses contradict each
other.''

A fellow was following a truck in heavy
traffic.
Every block or so, when
they were stopped at a stop light, the
driver of the truck would jump
out
of the cab with a big stick and
bang on the side of the cargo bay.
He'd
then jump back into
the cab in time to drive away when the signal
changed.
The first
fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand
it

no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick,

the
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. ''I'm sorry to
bother
you,'' he
said, over the din of the banging, ''but I am very
curious; could you
tell
me what you are doing?'' Without breaking
rhythm, the truck driver
replied,
''Sure, Mac. Ya see, this
here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight
tons of
canaries
aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the
time so

I don't break an axle''.

What do you get if you cross a
computer and a
Rottweiller ?
A computer with a lot of bites !

How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?They all gather around their cash registers and sing''What a Friend We Have In Jesus...''

What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?An Italian mother says, ''If you don't eat it, I'll kill you.''A Jewish mother says, ''If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself.''

What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's assholeto make her squeal with delight? Give him a raise.

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,?''Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?''

What is evil and ugly and goes at 125

mph?
A witch in a high speed train.

What did the monster say when he saw a
rush
hour train full of passengers?
Oh good! A chew chew
train!

Whats black and white and red all
over?

A nun in a car accident.

''If there are any idiots in the room, will they
please stand up''
said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence,
one freshman rose to his
feet.

''Now then mister, why do you
consider yourself an idiot?'' enquired
the teacher with a
sneer.

''Well, actually I don't,'' said the student, ''but I hate to see you

standing up there all by yourself.''

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in
my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little
quieter, I
could.

The teacher is droning away in the classroom
when he notices a student
sleeping way up in the back row. The
teacher shouts to the sleeping
student's neighbor, ''Hey wake that
student up!''
The neighbor yells back, ''You put him to sleep, you wake him

up!''