Newest jokes

What's fat and jolly and runs on eight
wheels?
Father Christmas on roller skates!

What's Father Christmas
called when he
takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

Why is a cat on a beach like
Christmas
?
Because they both have ''Sandy claws'' !

What do you call a man who claps at
Christmas
?
Santapplause !

Why do
hunters make the best lovers?

Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat

what they shoot.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them
spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

I told you not to let those pigs In my office.

Now, look what's happened.
They've eaten all the dates off my
calendar!

Two Nuts Where Walking Down The Street. One Was A Salted!

Knock knock.- Who's there?Owls.- Owls who?That's right! Owls hoo!

What is a frogs favorite drink? Croak-a-cola!

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she wasbeing given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a roomwhere a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course theQueen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.''Ah,'' said the doctor, ''Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate thatyou should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.''''Oh.'' said Her Majesty. ''Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable.''Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was openand you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.''Goodness Gracious!'' shrieked Her Majesty, ''I demand an explanation ofthis kind of sordid goings- on!''''Ah,'' said the Doctor, ''same problem - better health plan.''

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.He says, ''Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.''The grandfather smiles. ''I'll bet you five dollars you can't.It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.''The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.The little boy says, ''Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?''The grandfather replies, ''Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!''

|In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again? In prison, you get your own personal toilet. At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. At home, you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A.
Because they're all pigs.

Teacher: ''Sam, what is the outside of a

tree called?''
Sam: ''I don't know.''
Teacher: ''Bark, Sam,
bark.''
Sam: ''Bow, wow, wow!''

The parents were very disappointed in the

grades that their son brought home. ''The only consolation I can find in

these awful grades,'' lamented the father, ''is that I know he never

cheated during his exams.''

''Dad, can you write in the dark?''
''I think
so. What is it you want me to write?''
''Your name on this report
card.''

I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a ''National Town Meeting.''

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ''Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ''I can't dear,'' she said. ''I have to sleep in Daddy's room.''A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, ''The big sissy.''

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, ''Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. ''That's okay with us,'' the mother said, ''But what made you decide to be a minister?'' ''Well,'' the boy replied, ''I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.