Newest jokes

During the Mexican American War, an intense

long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither
side
made any advances.

Finally, an American general had a
bright idea. He aimed his rifle to
the Mexican trenches and yelled,
''Hey, Juan!''

A soldier jumped up and replied, ''What?'' The general
shot him dead.
This continued for three days.

A Mexican
general decided that two could play this game and decided to
try it
out. He called out, ''Hey, John!''

An American replied, ''John isn't
here. Is that you Juan?''

The Mexican general stood up, ''Yeah'' .
. .

In the 1970's, before women
were allowed
to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his
friends about
how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join
the
army.

''But, wait a minute,'' said one listener, ''She'll have to
dress with
the boys and shower with them too. Won't
she?''

''Sure,'' replied the man.

''Well, won't they find out?'' asked his
friend.

The man shrugged and replied, ''But who will tell?''

A solider stationed in the South Pacific
wrote to his wife in the
States to please send him a harmonica to
occupy his free time and keep
his mind off of the local women. The wife
complied and sent the best
one she could find, along with several
dozen lesson and music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to
their home and through the front door.
''Oh darling'' he gushed, ''Come
here. Let me look at you. Let me hold
you! Let's have a fine dinner
out, then make love all night. I've
missed your lovin' so
much.''

The wife, keeping her distance, said, ''All in good time lover.
First,
let's hear you play that harmonica.''

There were three American pilots captured by
Germans in WWII. The
Germans thought up a way to make the pilots
crack and tell what they
knew. They made them stand at attention,
turn their heads from side to
side and say, ''Tick - Tock'' over and
over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started
telling
all he knew, signing everything they put in front
of
him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started
confessing to
things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was
fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way
cracked. He was
turning his head to one side only and saying,
''Tick...Tick...Tick...''


The German officer in charge went up to him and said, ''You
thinks you
iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make
you
TOCK!''

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, ''I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving.'' Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, ''I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving.'' The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, ''I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.'' He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, ''Why didn't someone just say so?'' Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, ''I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.''

Whats a blonde's favorite surgery?A Slipodictomy.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.''That's fantastic'', the man said. ''Hasn't he scored three bulls?''The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.''Yes, sir!'', he announced to the crowd. ''This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!''''I don't want any bloody glasses'', the drunk replied. ''Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!''

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says ''Ok, old fellow, time to retire.'' The old rooster says ''You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!'' The young rooster replies, ''Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.'' The old rooster says, ''Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.'' The young rooster says, ''Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!'' So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, ''I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.'' The young rooster says, ''You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.'' They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck ''Go!'' and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says ''Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!''

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified ''No dogs.'' Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. ''How is everything?'' asked Chuck. ''We're moving'' replied the man. ''This is a sick neighborhood.'' ''Why? What happened?'' replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: ''Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage.''

Want some chicken? A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer ''What's up with these chickens?'' The farmer said ''Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire.'' The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said ''Don't know, haven't caught one yet.''

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ''I think I can stand over the hole!'' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, ''Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.'' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A little girl came home from
school and
said to her mother, ''Mommy, today in school I was punished for

something that I didn't do.''

The mother exclaimed, ''But that's
terrible! I'm going to have a talk
with your teacher about this ... by
the way, what was it that you
didn't do?''

The little girl
replied, ''My homework.''

A teacher was having
trouble teaching
arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, ''if you reached
in your right
pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left
pocket and
found another one, what would you have?''

''Somebody else's
pants.''

A mom
and dad were worried about their son
not wanting to learn math at the
school he was in, so they decided
to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school,
their son comes racing into the house, goes
straight into his room
and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a
little worried about this
and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find
him sitting at
his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that
for the rest
of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his
report
card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see
under
math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, ''What changed
your mind
about learning math?''

The son looked at mom and
dad and said, ''Well, on the first day when I
walked into the
classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the
back of the room
behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant
business.''

WIFE: ''There's trouble with the car. It

has water in the carburettor.''
HUSBAND: ''Water in the
carburettor? That's ridiculous.''
WIFE: ''I tell you the car has water in the
carburettor.''
HUSBAND: ''You don't even know what a carburettor is.
I'll check it
out.
Where's the car?''
WIFE: ''In the pool.''

What do you get if you cross a dog
with a
kangaroo?
A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead !

What do you get if you
cross a dog and a sheep
?
A sheep that can round itself up !

What do you get if cross two young dogs with a
pair
of headphones ?
Hush puppies !