Newest jokes

Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210
was on the
scale!

yo mama so stupid..she sits on the t.v and

watches the couch

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says ''I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!

Laboratory Rabbit Freedom A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

|One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, ''Tonight I'm the designated decoy.''

|The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.''Okay,'' the sheriff drawled, ''Gomer, what is 1 and 1?''''11'' he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, ''That's not what I meant, but he's right.''''What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?''''Today and tomorrow.''He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.''Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?''Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, ''I don't know.''''Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?''So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.''It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!''

|A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, ''Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.'' The new man asked, ''What happened?'' ''One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!''

|A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman!Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

|A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. ''Listen,'' said the shoplifter, ''I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?'' The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, ''This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?''

A teacher asked her students to use the word ''fascinate'' in a sentence. Mary said, ''My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.'' The teacher said, ''That was good, but I wanted the word '''fascinate.''' Sally raised her hand. She said, ''My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.'' The teacher said, ''Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.''' Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ''fascinate'' so she called on him. Billy said, ''My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.''

The Wisdom of Youth Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11 Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9 Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9 Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13 A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14 When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says ''I'm breaking up with you.'' ''Why??'' he asks. She says ''because you are a pedophile''. He says ''Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old.''

Buckwheat Lets the Cat Outta the Bag One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked in, and said, ''good morning class. Today we are going to play word games. I'm going to give you a word and I want you to put it in a sentence for me.'' She said ''Spanky you're first. Your word is football.'' Spanky stood up and proudly said '' I threw the football,'' and sat down. The teacher said ''very good Spanky.'' Then the teacher said, ''Darla, you're next. Your word is pretty.'' Darla stood up and said, '' I think I'm very pretty!'' Then she sat down. Then the teacher called on Buckwheat. She said, ''Buckwheat, you're next. Your word is dictate.'' Buckwheat stood up looked at Arial, and said, ''Hey Darla! How'd my dic tate las nigh?

What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog
?
A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

Where do sharks come
from?
Sharkago!

What's the favourite flavour of
sharks?
Shark-o-late!

What kind of sharks make good
carpenters?
Hammerheads!

What do you call someone who sticks his
right hand in
shark's mouths?
Lefty!

If a hungry shark is after you, what
should you feed it?
Jawbreakers!

A young naval student
was being put
through the paces by an old sea captain. ''What would you
do if a sudden
storm sprang up on the starboard?'' asked the captain.

''Throw out
an anchor, sir.'' replied the naval student.

''What would you do
if another storm sprang up aft?'' asked the
captain.

''Throw
out another anchor, sir.'' answered the student.

''And if another
terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?''
asked the
captain.

''Throw out another anchor.'' replied the
student.

''Hold on,'' said the Captain. ''Where are you getting all your anchors

from?''

The naval student replied, ''From the same place you're
getting all of
your storms, sir.''