Newest jokes

Man: ''How's
your history paper
coming?''

Woman: ''Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
Internet
for research, and it's been very helpful.

Man:
''Really?''

Woman: ''Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell
them!''

A student comes to a young
professor's
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,
kneels
pleadingly.

''I would do anything to pass this exam.'' She leans closer
to him,
flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. ''I
mean...'' she
whispers, ''...I would do...anything.''

He
returns her gaze. ''Anything?''

''Anything.''

His voice softens.
''Anything??''

''Absolutely anything.''

His voice turns to
a whisper. ''Would you...study?''

Why does Father Christmas like to work in
the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a
competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck !

What do
you get if you cross Father
Christmas with a detective ?
Santa Clues !

Can I have a broken drum for
Christmas?
The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!

What happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule
be happy !

Q. What's the best way to force a man
to do
sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's a man's idea
of honestly in a
relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What do you instantly know
about a
well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What should you give a man who has
everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight

dinner?
A. A power failure.

How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep?

She reads them pig tales.

How do you get your pigs to sleep at night?
No
problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens.
You must have
a very large chicken house.

How do you take a pig to
hospital?
By
hambulance!

How can you recognize a Gnome
Pig?

They're the ones with the little red hats.

How can you tell the pig
is a failure as
Easter bunny?
By the egg on its face.

What do you
call a litter of young dogs who
have come in from the snow ?
Slush puppies !

What do you call a dog with no legs ?
It
doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come !

How do
you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a
melon ?
Melon-collie !