Newest jokes

Q. What do most men
consider a gourmet
restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. How
does a man show he's planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q.
How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By
sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do men define a ''50/50'' relationship?
A.
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.''Can I see your license and registration, bub?'', the cop inquired.''But officer,'' the fellow started, ''I can explain...''''Shut yer trap, bub!'' snapped the officer. ''You're going downtownand sit a while till the sarge gets back.''''But, officer, I think you really should know...''''And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!''A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,''Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.''''Don't count on it,'' shot back the sap in the cell. ''I'm the groom.''

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911operator told Bubba that she would send someone outright away.''Where do you live?'' asked the operator.Bubba replied, ''At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.''The operator asked, ''Can you spell that for me?''There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,''How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and youpick her up there?''

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled inher favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She evenmanaged to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's hostcould ask her the big question.Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drovethem home. ''I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! Youknow I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.''Relax honey,'' her husband, Roger, reassured her, ''It will all be OK.''Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and startedheading out the door. ''Where are you going?'' Jane asked. ''I have a little errand torun. I should be back soon.''After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wickedgrin. ''Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!'' ''What is it?'' shecried excitedly.''OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And theanswer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' '' The couple went to sleep with Jane,now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her thequiz show question. ''The head, the heart, and the penis,'' Jane replied groggilybefore returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time asJane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though sheknew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began runningand the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Janeand asked the big question.''Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10seconds.''''Hmm, uhm, the head?'' she said nervously. ''Very good. '' Six seconds.'' ''Eh, uh, theheart?'' ''Very good! Four seconds.'' ''I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled itinto me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning...''''That's close enough!'' said the game show host, ''CONGRATULATIONS!!''

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students onenight. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speakersystem. ''Listen to the sound of my voice...'', he kept repeating, ''the soundof my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice...'' Prettysoon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, eachone hanging on his every word.Needing to take a quick piss, he announced ''I will have to leave the stagefor a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone'' And thenhe repeated the words ''the sound of my voice... every word is a command.'' Ashe turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt,and yelled ''SHIT!''

Santas DiversionSanta was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman wasawaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.Santa declined, saying ''Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know.''Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.''OH Santa, won't you please stay?'' she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighedand delivered a not too believable, ''Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presentsyou know.''Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remainingclothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, ''Oh, Santa, pleasereconsider? Stay with me?''With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, ''Ho -ho,gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.''And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, ploppinghimself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.''Santa! You decided to stay!'' she exclaimed gleefully.Santa grinned and said ''Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!''Sent by Neicey

If the prefix ''con'' is the opposite of the prefix ''pro'', then is ''Congress'' the opposite of ''progress''?

A driver pulled up beside a rundown
farmhouse. He got out
and
knocked at the door. A very old woman
answered the door, and
he asked her for directions to Des
Moines.

''Don't know,'' the woman said.

He got back in his car and
pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror
and saw the woman and an
equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U-
turn and drove up to them.

''This is my
husband,'' the old woman said. ''He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines
either.''

A young bloke has started work on a

property, and the boss
sends him up the back paddocks to do some
fencing work, but
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets
on the CB
radio to check if he's all right.

''I've got a
problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!''

''Ah well, these
things happen sometimes,'' the boss says.

''Just drag the carcass
off the road so nobody else hits it in the
dark.''

''But he's
not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull
bar, and I've
tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and
squealing, and he's
real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt
me!''

''Never
mind,'' says the boss. ''There's a .303 under the tarp in
the back. Get
that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass
off the road and come
on home.''

''Okay, boss.''

Another half an hour goes by,
but there's still not a peep from
the young fella. The boss
gets back on the CB. ''What's the
problem, son?''

''Well, I
did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck.''

''What's up? Did
you drag the pig off the road like I said?''

''Yeah boss, but his
motorcycle is still jammed under the
truck.''

A man is driving down the road for a
long period of time.
During

his travel, he sees a priest with
a gas can hitch hiking, so he

gladly picks him up he
says,''Normally father, i dont pick up hitch

hikers. You seem like a man of
dignity so i thought id make an
exception.

In fact i hate
hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on

Along the
way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. ''that dirty

son
of %$#%#% ill fix him''. He then swirves the car and tries to make the

hit
and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests
yells,''Don't
worry
i got him with the gas can!''

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switchwhen the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, ''Do you have any lastrequests?'' The guy says, ''(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)could you please do something to scare me?''

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trailall day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tontoplaced his ear to the ground and listened. ''Buffalo come,'' remarked Tonto. ''How can you tell, Tonto?'' asked the Lone Ranger. ''Face sticky.''

Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he hasto take a shit real bad.The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts downto use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls areoccupied, so he runs back up to his room, and indesperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, andtakes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back inthe pot and leaves.Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel thatsays, ''Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?''

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard,''Help! Help!'' coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugswere trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but sheputting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walkingand pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decidedthat I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

Man in a pub, ''If you went camping and woke up in the morning with abloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?'' Other man, ''Bloody hell, no!''First man, ''Want to come camping?''

The Hazards of Kicking the Cat There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, ''Are you going to tell him or am I?''

Little Johnny A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, ''little boy is your mother home?'' Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, ''what do you think?''