Newest jokes

|A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. ''You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.'' ''Oh yes dear, what happened ?'' ''I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.'' ''Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?'' ''Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.''

|Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him ''Judge Dredd'', and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the ''good cop'', and the other half is the ''bad cop''.5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

|The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.14. Bad cop. No donut.13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?9. I pay your salary8. So uh, you on the take or what?7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street)

Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?
Officer:
Just stand where you are!!!

Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. ''My God Henry'', she screams, ''I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!'' ''You may be right'' he says, ''I think I'm stuck.''

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. ''Get a load of her'' said the mouse, ''what a babe!'' ''Well, why not try your luck?'' replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, ''What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?'' The mouse replied, ''Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!'' ''But how come you look like you're so exhausted?'' asked the lion. ''Well'' said the mouse, ''between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!''

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. ''Don't be afraid, darling,'' said the man. ''Wait until I tell you about this.'' ''Get out of here!'' cried his wife. ''And take that sex maniac with you!''

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, ''Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?'' ''Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit'', replies the blind man. ''Well, it's none of my business,'' says the onlooker, ''but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!'' To which the blind fellow chuckles, ''Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!''

What do bees chew ?
Bumble gum !

Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other
bees ?
Because they kept droning on and on !

What's tennis players favourite

city?
Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping
ion!

|Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. ''I'm sorry sir,'' the first trooper told the driver, ''but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.'' Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, ''Tacks evasion.''

As he was
drilling a batch of recruits,
the sergeant saw that one of them was
marching out of step. Walking
up next to the man as they marched, he said
sarcastically: ''Do you
know they are all out of step except you?''

''What?'' asked the
recruit innocently.

''I said -- they are all out of step except
you!'' thundered the
sergeant.

The recruit replied, ''Well, sarge,
you're in charge -- you tell
them!''

A general noticed one of his soldiers

behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found,
frown
and say, ''That's not it'' and put it down again.

This
went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the
soldier
psychologically tested. The psychologist
concluded that the soldier
was deranged, and wrote out his discharge
from the army.


The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, ''That's it.''

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. ''Listen,'' he says to the bartender. ''If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?'' ''We'll See,'' says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. ''Impressive,'' says the bartender, ''but i'll need to see more.'' ''Hold on,'' says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings ''Old Man River.'' A patron jups up from mhis table and shouts ''Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog.'' ''Sold,'' says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. ''It's none of my business,'' says the bartender, ''but you just gave away a fortune.'' ''Not really,'' says the guy. ''The hamster is also a ventriloquist.''

What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ? 1) You only get laid once. 2) You only get eaten once. 3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water. 4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys. 5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. ''Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?'' If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. ''John,'' he said, shaking his head, ''I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good.'' ''Well,'' John said, taking the barstool next to him, ''If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this....'' ''I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.'' ''I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.'' ''Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall.'' Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, ''Well, did you finally get to milk her?'' ''Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!''

Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast.

Q. What do you call a
handcuffed man?
A.
Trustworthy.