Newest jokes

David received a parrot for his birthday. This

parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives
were, to
say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's
attitude.
He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft
music, he did
anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he
yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird
got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put
the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming
and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and

quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto

David's extended arm and said: ''I'm sorry that I might have
offended you
with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven
ess. I will try
to correct my behavior.''

David was
astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had
changed him when the parrot continued:

''May I ask what the
chicken did?''

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On

the day of the wedding he says to the parrot ''Now look here, I know

you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me
and my
new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round
and and no
matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or
I'll break your
neck, do you understand?'' The parrot reluctantly
agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as
instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the
honeymoon. The
wife however has packed too much and they can't get
the case closed.
''Get on top and sit on it baby!'' Says the man the
woman does so and
grunts and moans but can't shut the case. ''You
get on top baby it might be
better'' Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best
but still cant shut the
case.

After a little thought the man says ''Ok we'll both get on top see
if
that's any better!'' The parrot turns round and says ''Neck or
no neck
I have to see this!''

A man was driving up a steep and narrow

mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As
they passed each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled,
''Pig!''
The man immediately leaned out his window and
replied,
''Moron!''
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the
next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.

What should you do
if your girlfriend starts
smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?

Phone her.

What is the definition of 'making love'?

Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to
wait an hour
for a three minute ride

A funeral service is being held in a

church for a woman
who has just passed away. At the end of the service,
the
pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally

bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
still alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held
at the same church and at the
end of the ceremony, the pall bearers
are again carrying out
the casket. As they are walking, the husband
cries out,
''WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!''

After the fall in
Garden of Eden, Adam
was walking with his sons Cain and
Abel. They passed by the ruins of
the Garden of Eden. One of the boys
asked, ''What's that?'' Adam
replied, ''Boys, that's where your
mother ate
us out of house and
home.''

''I
bet you don't know what day this is'',
said the wife to
her husband as he made his way out the front door.


The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick
thinker:
''Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?'' With that,
he turned
and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell
rang and when the woman opened the
door, she was handed a box
containing a dozen long stemmed
red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped,
two pound box of her favorite
chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique
delivered a designer
dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband
to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work,
satisfied
that he had recovered what could have been a very
bad
situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: ''First the flowers, then
the
chocolates and then the dress!'' she exclaimed, ''I've
never
had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!''

The local courtroom was packed
as
testimony began in the
sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering
her
husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense
attorney knew he had his work cut out for him
trying to make his
client appear more sympathetic to the
Judge, especially since she had
been so ''matter-of-fact''
about the whole thing all during the
trial.

''Mrs. Roth,'' he began, ''was there any point that
morning
where you felt pity for your husband ?''

''Well... yeah... I guess...''
she replied.

''And when was that?'' pressed the
attorney.

''Well...,'' she replied, ''when he asked for his third cup.''

How many seconds are in a year? Answer: There are 12 seconds in a year. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

The boss of a large company says to his protege : '' I'm transferring you to the northern office ''The protege says : '' But that place is full of whores and football players!''The boss replies : '' My wife used to live there ! ''The protege quickly responds: '' Really ?? What position does she play ? ''

A student called up his Mom one evening from

his college and asked her for some money, because he was
broke.

His Mother said, ''Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also

left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do
you
want me to send that up too?''

''Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.''
responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up
in a package,
kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to
mail the money and the
book. When she gets back, Dad asked, ''Well how
much did you give the
boy this time?''

''Oh, I wrote two
checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to

him.''

''That's $1020!!!'' yelled Dad, ''Are you going crazy???''

''Don't worry
hon,'' Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald
head, ''I taped
the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the
$1,000 one
somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!''

Introductory
Chemistry was taught at Duke
University for many years by professor Bonk.
One year, two guys took
the class and did pretty well on all the
quizzes and mid-terms--so
much so that going into the final, they each had a
solid A. These
two friends were so confident going into the final that
the weekend
before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on
Monday,
they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with
some
friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and
tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't
make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking
the final then, they
found professor Bonk after the final and
explained to him how they
missed the final. They told him they went up
to the University of Virgina
for the weekend and had planned to come
back in time to study, but they
had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't
fix it for a long
time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over
and agreed that they could take the final the
following day. The
two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and
went in the
next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed
them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told
them to
begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple
about
molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. ''Cool,'' they
thought,
''this is going to be an easy final''. They then turned the
page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The
question contained
only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

A
professor was giving a big test one day
to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and went back to his
desk to wait. Once the test was over,
the students all handed the
tests back in. The professor noticed that one
of the students had
attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying
''A dollar per
point.'' The next class the professor handed the tests
back out. This
student got back his test and $56 change.

One day our
professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med
student rudely interrupted
to ask, ''Why do we have to learn this
pointless
information''

''To save lives.'' the professor responded quickly and continued the

lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
''So how does
physics save lives?'' he persisted.

''It keeps
the ignoramuses like you out of medical school,'' replied
the
professor.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English class one
day. ''In English,'' he said, ''A double negative
forms a positive. In
some languages, though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein
a double positive can
form a negative.''

A voice from the
back of the room piped up, ''Yeah, right.''

A trio
of old veterans were bragging
about the heroic exploits of their
ancestors one afternoon down at the
VFW hall.

''My great grandfather, at age 13,'' one declared
proudly, ''was a
drummer boy at Shiloh.''

''Mine,'' boasts another,
''went down with Custer at the Battle of
Little Big
Horn.''

''I'm the only soldier in my family,'' confessed vet number three,
''but
if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous
man in the world.''

''Really? What'd he do?'' his friends wanted to
know.

''Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.''

|A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, ''Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?'' The man gets really indignant and says, ''Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?''